January 15, 2008
My friends at work were teasing me all day, asking “wasn’t today a holiday for you?” (Yes, they all know of my obsession and accept me in spite of my eccentricity.)
At three minutes to show time, I make My Hubby promise that he will only talk to me during the commercials. If he does not comply then I will just have to get the duct tape.
So here we go … Voiceover Ryan tells us that the first audition show is from Philadelphia, and from the camera pans it looks like crazillions of people are there. They show a quick-take combination of normal folks and freakadelics. My favorite was the gal making balloon animals; if you are stuck there for hours, make it fun right?
Ryan foreshadows that “everyone has a story,” and then we are subjected to a blink-and-you-miss-it montage of people auditioning, most of them sounding surprisingly pretty good.
Finally the words we’ve waited 7 ½ months to hear: “This. Is. American Idol.” Cue the music…
We are treated to a history lesson about the “city of brotherly love,” and while I am interested in culture as much as the next very boring person, I wanna see some action! Simon, Randy and Paula arrive all smiles and laughter, with hugs all around for the fans; like they have never been away.
First guy up is named Joey and he’s lost an impressive 204 pounds. He makes cutesy butchy chit-chat with Ryan before facing the judges. And wow, the guy can sing his newly buff behind off! Was not expecting him to blow us away like that; Joey deservedly makes it through to Hollywood.
Next we have a guy from Egypt named Youka who is adorable; he looks like a cross between Adam Sandler and that guy that’s running for president. His appreciation for being in the USA and the Paula fan-dom does not make up for the fact that he can not sing. Especially a song by “Mr. The Bee Gees.”
Paula calls Simon a moronic jerk and then next up is a pretty gal named Melanie. She has sung backup for Taylor Hicks and has good things to say about him but admits that he doesn’t talk about the judges much. Melanie sings the most overused song on the planet, “Unwritten,” aka the Pantene shampoo commercial song. The judges aren’t blown away but they put her through to the next round.
Now we have a tour guide dude who was encouraged by his co-workers to audition. They must dislike him very much because he is very bad, comically awful and the judges laugh at him. While it’s not okay to laugh at someone, you have to wonder WTH are these people thinking??
After shots of a street vendor selling cheesesteaks, Voiceover Ryan explains his theory of how the Liberty Bell got its crack: it’s the high-pitched and off-key notes of the next few bad singers. I think my head is cracking like that bell especially when Simon has to yell at one gal named Sybil to SHUT UP.
Finally we have another good one, a handsome guy whose name is Junot. He does great on an old Elton John song and the judges say it’s Ju-yes. Heh. Then there’s a gangsta-looking guy singing in Spanish, which is always annoying on AMERICAN Idol. Another very tall guy with a Zac Efron hairdo makes it through; I summon My Kid by bellowing “Cute Guy Alert” and she finally comes to watch the show with us.
Next up we have a gal named Temptress, a teenager who is a football player. She and Ryan make cute conversation; “don’t let this fools you – make me mad enough and I will break your bones.” Bless her heart, she is a sweet girl who takes care of her sick mother, but unfortunately she can not sing her way out of a paper bag. The judges are very nice to her though and let her down gently with group hugs all around.
We’ve noticed that something very strange is happening on this show tonight. Simon is actually becoming a human being. (Hell froze over but they didn’t show that clip on The Soup.)
Next is a cute guy who can make cricket noises but sounds like a drunken sailor while singing “White Christmas.” Ryan alerts us that the judges are kinda PO’d at the lack of talent they’ve seen for the past few hours.
This warning does NOT explain why we are now being subjected to a really bad finance guy named Udi who massacres “My Way.” And if this guy is 28, then I am 19. At last, Simon calls it like it is and gives this guy what-for. Whew, was getting worried there for a while. As My Kid put it, “Finally! Mean Simon.” Unfortunately Udi seems to be one of those guys who proves that a high IQ does not always equal common sense.
Because we need to be punished at least once during each episode, we are treated to a horrifying montage of Joan Jett’s classic “I Love Rock and Roll” being drawn, quartered and executed by a buncha losers. My Hubby and I reminisce about how this song was playing the night that we met. Our Kid says she didn’t realize that song was THAT old. Heh. She is such a smart aleck; don’t know where she gets it from.
OOOH commercial for The Sarah Connor Chronicles. My Kid and I love this new best show ever; what is not cool about evil robots from the future?
So next we are introduced to a silly-looking gal named Alexis who looks like a glitter factory exploded on her face. She reminds me of that gal from Growing Pains, during her anorexic days. I don’t know why they are spending so much time with this chick, showing her art and her straight-from-the-50s mom and discussing her dreams of being a vet. During her audition she is not nearly as bad as we expected, but you can’t really tell on this Grace Slick song. Simon pokes the bear by telling her that she sounds like she is “possessed” which was a little harsh. But the others sugarcoat it by saying she could be in a 60s cover band. Alexis goes into a very long and disturbing rant and says that she is going to go into “actressing.” Her mom acts as enabler and they finally mercifully leave.
Voiceover Ryan talks about family support with lots of shots of little sisters and moms and cute kids. Some give words of comfort when their loved one is turned down, and others share in the victory of making it to Hollywood.
This segment leads to the Sob Story of the evening as we are introduced to a lovely young gal named Angela. Her beautiful little daughter Jessica has Rett syndrome and Angela wants to give her a better life. My Kid says that she wants Angela to win, even before she starts to sing. Thank goodness, she does have a good voice and makes it through. Simon tells her to please lose the “wedding band-ness” and she will be fine. Poor Ryan is tackled by Angela’s family in all the excitement and has an “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” moment.
We are now on Day Two of the auditions in Philly. Because we have short attention spans, they remind us of what we’ve JUST seen. Thanks, my memory stick needed a boost.
For no apparent reason at all, a bunch of folks mug “I love you” at the camera, then the judges come in. Randy reminds us that we are in Season Seven dawg!
First up is a teeny tiny gal who must have escaped from the eating disorder clinic. Simon says that her singing is like a nightmare he had last week. Ouch. And go have a Twinkie. (Not to make fun of skinny minnies, but hey – fat people are mocked ALL the time so fair’s fair.)
Next we have a few screaming screechers and I have to go get Band-Aids for all of our bleeding ears. When I get back, there is an old dude named Milo who wants to sing a song that he wrote called “No Sex Allowed.” It is awful and disturbing and My Kid says that this is like a scary After School Special.
Now we have a lovely blonde girl named Kristy who is into horses, log cabins, and cage fighting. She sold a horse to make it to the tryouts so we are hoping the best for her. Naturally, the guy judges let their minds go straight to the gutter as they get a visual on the “cage.” But when she sings a Reba-esque version of “Amazing Grace,” they take notice and she deservedly makes it through.
Some guy in a Jedi cloak comes in and flashes us to reveal his Star Wars man-kini costume. Just too weird. He’s hairy and scary and thinks he’s entertaining. Paula can’t get past the chest hair so he offers to go get it waxed. Simon is not amused and neither are we.
We are next subjected to some bad looking and sounding singers. I think a couple of glasses just broke in my china cabinet. We see the American Idol logo pop up in front of some disappointed potty mouths.
For absolutely no good reason other than The Idiots In Charge (TIIC) have lost their minds, next up is a creepy man who is: A) past the age limit; B) a creepy bad rhymer; C) a Paula stalker. His made up song is funny in the way of hyper-crazy-Dr.-Seuss. Simon tells him that he is disturbing and security has to escort him out. Restraining order anyone? Paula, please change your locks.
Next is a young mom named Beth who released a record when she was four years old. My Kid goes off when Simon asks her “why are you here?” Well duh. Just once we wish someone would say “interpretive dance” or something else acerbic. She sings one of the old songs that Pickler warbled back in AI5 and makes it through.
Commercials: That new upcoming lie detector “game show” is just too freaking weird.
Next the “I waxed my chest hair” guy is back for his big reveal and I am so glad. Because I feel sick and will pass on my TV-time snack and the extra calories are not needed. “Don't Cha” think your producers are on crack tonight?? “Don't Cha?”
Now we have a cute guy named Chris with great cheekbones and corn rows who “represents” Delaware. He sings that “Follow Me” song and is really good, does it better that the Uncle Kracker guy. He easily makes it through to the next round, however My Kid predicts that he may be this year’s Sanjaya (got through based on great hair and the cuteness factor.)
Some rejects are shown, again with a lot of tears, excuses and AI logo pop ups. There are two gals left, one of them a die hard Star Wars fan named Christina. She has the Princess Leia hair and a “please bring the straight jacket” attitude. She would be cute if she dialed down the crazy; she looks like a cross between Linda Ronstadt and Clea Duvall. Our house is divided in regards to Christina’s voice. My Kid says she sounds okay but My Hubby and I are covering our ears in horror. Our Doggies agree with us as well as the judges. They try to let her down easy but she morphs into total Rant Girl. She needs to go have a drink with Glitter Beyotch from earlier tonight.
The last gal is Brooke, a nanny to adorable twin girls. We know they are cute because we get to see her feeding and singing to them in the awwww moment of the evening. Before she gets to audition there is much banter about her not seeing R-rated movies or some such. Finally, she sings beautifully and the judges like her voice. Simon promises to bring her to the “dark side;” whatever. And then we have a flashback moment to last year’s “other door.”
We get to see flashes of some of the others who made it through to Hollywood, including one guy who looks like a young Mr. T.
My Favorites from Philly:
Best Male Singer: Joey
Best Female Singer: Kristy
Best Backstory: Angela
Tonight’s Best dialogue:
Youka (the Egyptian guy) and a skanky-looking gal talk about his girlfriend -
Skank: … “you have kids?”
Uka: “I’m not married.”
Skank: “Why, just cuz you’re not married you can’t have kids? Welcome to the new city baby cuz that’s all’s going on over here!”
Ryan: (after being knocked down in a group hug) “I got a new handbag.”
Glitter B* to Simon: … “if I could legally moon ya, I would!”
Crazy Leia: “They want the typical superficial-looking girls with the makeup and pretty hair and then someone walks in with uniqueness and they don’t want'cha.”
Tomorrow night we get to see the Dallas auditions. But now it’s Jordin Sparks being interviewed on our local news. Weird how they did not make a mention of last year’s show…
My friends at work were teasing me all day, asking “wasn’t today a holiday for you?” (Yes, they all know of my obsession and accept me in spite of my eccentricity.)
At three minutes to show time, I make My Hubby promise that he will only talk to me during the commercials. If he does not comply then I will just have to get the duct tape.
So here we go … Voiceover Ryan tells us that the first audition show is from Philadelphia, and from the camera pans it looks like crazillions of people are there. They show a quick-take combination of normal folks and freakadelics. My favorite was the gal making balloon animals; if you are stuck there for hours, make it fun right?
Ryan foreshadows that “everyone has a story,” and then we are subjected to a blink-and-you-miss-it montage of people auditioning, most of them sounding surprisingly pretty good.
Finally the words we’ve waited 7 ½ months to hear: “This. Is. American Idol.” Cue the music…
We are treated to a history lesson about the “city of brotherly love,” and while I am interested in culture as much as the next very boring person, I wanna see some action! Simon, Randy and Paula arrive all smiles and laughter, with hugs all around for the fans; like they have never been away.
First guy up is named Joey and he’s lost an impressive 204 pounds. He makes cutesy butchy chit-chat with Ryan before facing the judges. And wow, the guy can sing his newly buff behind off! Was not expecting him to blow us away like that; Joey deservedly makes it through to Hollywood.
Next we have a guy from Egypt named Youka who is adorable; he looks like a cross between Adam Sandler and that guy that’s running for president. His appreciation for being in the USA and the Paula fan-dom does not make up for the fact that he can not sing. Especially a song by “Mr. The Bee Gees.”
Paula calls Simon a moronic jerk and then next up is a pretty gal named Melanie. She has sung backup for Taylor Hicks and has good things to say about him but admits that he doesn’t talk about the judges much. Melanie sings the most overused song on the planet, “Unwritten,” aka the Pantene shampoo commercial song. The judges aren’t blown away but they put her through to the next round.
Now we have a tour guide dude who was encouraged by his co-workers to audition. They must dislike him very much because he is very bad, comically awful and the judges laugh at him. While it’s not okay to laugh at someone, you have to wonder WTH are these people thinking??
After shots of a street vendor selling cheesesteaks, Voiceover Ryan explains his theory of how the Liberty Bell got its crack: it’s the high-pitched and off-key notes of the next few bad singers. I think my head is cracking like that bell especially when Simon has to yell at one gal named Sybil to SHUT UP.
Finally we have another good one, a handsome guy whose name is Junot. He does great on an old Elton John song and the judges say it’s Ju-yes. Heh. Then there’s a gangsta-looking guy singing in Spanish, which is always annoying on AMERICAN Idol. Another very tall guy with a Zac Efron hairdo makes it through; I summon My Kid by bellowing “Cute Guy Alert” and she finally comes to watch the show with us.
Next up we have a gal named Temptress, a teenager who is a football player. She and Ryan make cute conversation; “don’t let this fools you – make me mad enough and I will break your bones.” Bless her heart, she is a sweet girl who takes care of her sick mother, but unfortunately she can not sing her way out of a paper bag. The judges are very nice to her though and let her down gently with group hugs all around.
We’ve noticed that something very strange is happening on this show tonight. Simon is actually becoming a human being. (Hell froze over but they didn’t show that clip on The Soup.)
Next is a cute guy who can make cricket noises but sounds like a drunken sailor while singing “White Christmas.” Ryan alerts us that the judges are kinda PO’d at the lack of talent they’ve seen for the past few hours.
This warning does NOT explain why we are now being subjected to a really bad finance guy named Udi who massacres “My Way.” And if this guy is 28, then I am 19. At last, Simon calls it like it is and gives this guy what-for. Whew, was getting worried there for a while. As My Kid put it, “Finally! Mean Simon.” Unfortunately Udi seems to be one of those guys who proves that a high IQ does not always equal common sense.
Because we need to be punished at least once during each episode, we are treated to a horrifying montage of Joan Jett’s classic “I Love Rock and Roll” being drawn, quartered and executed by a buncha losers. My Hubby and I reminisce about how this song was playing the night that we met. Our Kid says she didn’t realize that song was THAT old. Heh. She is such a smart aleck; don’t know where she gets it from.
OOOH commercial for The Sarah Connor Chronicles. My Kid and I love this new best show ever; what is not cool about evil robots from the future?
So next we are introduced to a silly-looking gal named Alexis who looks like a glitter factory exploded on her face. She reminds me of that gal from Growing Pains, during her anorexic days. I don’t know why they are spending so much time with this chick, showing her art and her straight-from-the-50s mom and discussing her dreams of being a vet. During her audition she is not nearly as bad as we expected, but you can’t really tell on this Grace Slick song. Simon pokes the bear by telling her that she sounds like she is “possessed” which was a little harsh. But the others sugarcoat it by saying she could be in a 60s cover band. Alexis goes into a very long and disturbing rant and says that she is going to go into “actressing.” Her mom acts as enabler and they finally mercifully leave.
Voiceover Ryan talks about family support with lots of shots of little sisters and moms and cute kids. Some give words of comfort when their loved one is turned down, and others share in the victory of making it to Hollywood.
This segment leads to the Sob Story of the evening as we are introduced to a lovely young gal named Angela. Her beautiful little daughter Jessica has Rett syndrome and Angela wants to give her a better life. My Kid says that she wants Angela to win, even before she starts to sing. Thank goodness, she does have a good voice and makes it through. Simon tells her to please lose the “wedding band-ness” and she will be fine. Poor Ryan is tackled by Angela’s family in all the excitement and has an “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” moment.
We are now on Day Two of the auditions in Philly. Because we have short attention spans, they remind us of what we’ve JUST seen. Thanks, my memory stick needed a boost.
For no apparent reason at all, a bunch of folks mug “I love you” at the camera, then the judges come in. Randy reminds us that we are in Season Seven dawg!
First up is a teeny tiny gal who must have escaped from the eating disorder clinic. Simon says that her singing is like a nightmare he had last week. Ouch. And go have a Twinkie. (Not to make fun of skinny minnies, but hey – fat people are mocked ALL the time so fair’s fair.)
Next we have a few screaming screechers and I have to go get Band-Aids for all of our bleeding ears. When I get back, there is an old dude named Milo who wants to sing a song that he wrote called “No Sex Allowed.” It is awful and disturbing and My Kid says that this is like a scary After School Special.
Now we have a lovely blonde girl named Kristy who is into horses, log cabins, and cage fighting. She sold a horse to make it to the tryouts so we are hoping the best for her. Naturally, the guy judges let their minds go straight to the gutter as they get a visual on the “cage.” But when she sings a Reba-esque version of “Amazing Grace,” they take notice and she deservedly makes it through.
Some guy in a Jedi cloak comes in and flashes us to reveal his Star Wars man-kini costume. Just too weird. He’s hairy and scary and thinks he’s entertaining. Paula can’t get past the chest hair so he offers to go get it waxed. Simon is not amused and neither are we.
We are next subjected to some bad looking and sounding singers. I think a couple of glasses just broke in my china cabinet. We see the American Idol logo pop up in front of some disappointed potty mouths.
For absolutely no good reason other than The Idiots In Charge (TIIC) have lost their minds, next up is a creepy man who is: A) past the age limit; B) a creepy bad rhymer; C) a Paula stalker. His made up song is funny in the way of hyper-crazy-Dr.-Seuss. Simon tells him that he is disturbing and security has to escort him out. Restraining order anyone? Paula, please change your locks.
Next is a young mom named Beth who released a record when she was four years old. My Kid goes off when Simon asks her “why are you here?” Well duh. Just once we wish someone would say “interpretive dance” or something else acerbic. She sings one of the old songs that Pickler warbled back in AI5 and makes it through.
Commercials: That new upcoming lie detector “game show” is just too freaking weird.
Next the “I waxed my chest hair” guy is back for his big reveal and I am so glad. Because I feel sick and will pass on my TV-time snack and the extra calories are not needed. “Don't Cha” think your producers are on crack tonight?? “Don't Cha?”
Now we have a cute guy named Chris with great cheekbones and corn rows who “represents” Delaware. He sings that “Follow Me” song and is really good, does it better that the Uncle Kracker guy. He easily makes it through to the next round, however My Kid predicts that he may be this year’s Sanjaya (got through based on great hair and the cuteness factor.)
Some rejects are shown, again with a lot of tears, excuses and AI logo pop ups. There are two gals left, one of them a die hard Star Wars fan named Christina. She has the Princess Leia hair and a “please bring the straight jacket” attitude. She would be cute if she dialed down the crazy; she looks like a cross between Linda Ronstadt and Clea Duvall. Our house is divided in regards to Christina’s voice. My Kid says she sounds okay but My Hubby and I are covering our ears in horror. Our Doggies agree with us as well as the judges. They try to let her down easy but she morphs into total Rant Girl. She needs to go have a drink with Glitter Beyotch from earlier tonight.
The last gal is Brooke, a nanny to adorable twin girls. We know they are cute because we get to see her feeding and singing to them in the awwww moment of the evening. Before she gets to audition there is much banter about her not seeing R-rated movies or some such. Finally, she sings beautifully and the judges like her voice. Simon promises to bring her to the “dark side;” whatever. And then we have a flashback moment to last year’s “other door.”
We get to see flashes of some of the others who made it through to Hollywood, including one guy who looks like a young Mr. T.
My Favorites from Philly:
Best Male Singer: Joey
Best Female Singer: Kristy
Best Backstory: Angela
Tonight’s Best dialogue:
Youka (the Egyptian guy) and a skanky-looking gal talk about his girlfriend -
Skank: … “you have kids?”
Uka: “I’m not married.”
Skank: “Why, just cuz you’re not married you can’t have kids? Welcome to the new city baby cuz that’s all’s going on over here!”
Ryan: (after being knocked down in a group hug) “I got a new handbag.”
Glitter B* to Simon: … “if I could legally moon ya, I would!”
Crazy Leia: “They want the typical superficial-looking girls with the makeup and pretty hair and then someone walks in with uniqueness and they don’t want'cha.”
Tomorrow night we get to see the Dallas auditions. But now it’s Jordin Sparks being interviewed on our local news. Weird how they did not make a mention of last year’s show…
