60s Night - Top 12 Guys

February 19, 2008

For the umpteenth time we hear that THIS year we have the BEST crop of talent ever. Contestants from the previous six years are going “Well! Thanks Seacrest.”

Ryan presents to us a mathematical word problem: if 24 contestants have to be weeded down to 12 and half of these can be male… the answer is! Get ready to lose half of the guys you see tonight in the next three weeks.

Quick intro of the 12 guys but only 11 of the gals are sitting in the sideline seats. Carly is missing and there’s not even an empty chair to represent her. Things that make you go HMMM.

Yes, the judges are here tonight and just for the small number of people who are tuning in to the show for the first time ever, Ryan explains their roles. It’s pretty much to criticize the contestants AND each other. AND Ryan. Got that everybody?

As we prepare to watch the Top 24 Part VII, we can not help but wonder if this season will be different from the past. Surely, this crop of kids has studied the Guide Book and memorized the rules. Let’s prepare to keep track…

During the audition weeks we already covered Contestant Rule #1: If you are not Whitney, Mariah, or Celine do NOT perform a song by Whitney, Mariah, or Celine. This rule won’t apply for tonight’s theme, but be on the look-out for it as the season progresses.

We see flashes of the 12 guys either in their initial auditions, in Hollywood, or just mugging at the camera. Then it’s the first of ten hundred million commercials.

AI and iTunes are dating and Matchmaker Ryan tells us all about that courtship. Finally, we can get on with some singing.

Because our attention spans are extremely limited, we will be reminded via montage of each guy’s AI journey thus far, with the requisite interview.

The Powers That Run Idol have already started with Theme Shows, and tonight's genre is songs from the ‘60s. Otherwise known as Songs From Before Your Parents Were Even Born.

From seasons past, we already know that the contestant who performs first is usually cannon fodder. Who will draw the short straw for the Spot of Doom? It will be poor David Hernandez who was a favorite of mine from Hollywood week and the one that Simon lectured to “stand out more.” He speaks of his single mom and broken family and seems very serious and sincere. David sings “In the Midnight Hour” and his voice is good but overall performance is somewhat underwhelming. Of all the guys in the Top 24, he is the one that blends into the background somewhat. Not unattractive, just nondescript, like beige wallpaper, ya know? He breaks Contestant Rule #2: Do not imitate cardboard and be all stiff and unwieldy like pre-Grammy-winning-Carrie-bot. Randy says and I agree that we liked the “whole kind of gospel vibe in the front,” and Paula mumbles something about his vibrato. Simon adds that David was “a little bit rabbit in the headlights.” During Ryan banter, David professes that he is relieved to go first and get all that out of the way.

Chikezie Eze is up next, but he is known as Just Chikezie now, thanks. He reminisces about being in the Wrong Room last year and is so thrilled to be in the Top 24 this time. He starts out kinda rough on “More Today Than Yesterday” and breaks Contestant Rule #4: Do not add an unnecessary WHOO to the middle of your song. Not completely bad but not great. Randy and Paula tell him that he is a throwback to Old School, which works on 60’s night. Simon begs to differ and starts his critique by calling him Jacuzzi. Brat. I do have to agree that the pumpkin-colored suit is a bit much; I was looking for Linus and Charlie Brown. Then Chikezie breaks Contestant Rule #10: Do not talk back to Simon (no matter WHAT he says.) Although Simon claims that he likes it when contestants are ballsy, this tactic has been proven to scare voters away from the phone. Good point though about the not-many colors of Simon’s wardrobe.

Ryan sits on the bright red couch with Colton and rocker David. Colton talks cutely about his resemblance to Ellen DeGeneres and My Kid shouts out “Spinelli!” David seems calm and collected but swears it’s just a ruse.

In David Cook’s montage, he says he is puzzled by Simon’s comment after his first audition, “other than being a bit worthy…” All of we AI fans have been wondering about that too, so hopefully we will find out this evening. Tonight he starts slow on “Happy Together” and we strap in for a great ride with this guy. He is a seasoned pro and it is so evident that he is very much in his element. Bartender, Schmartender. He brings life to an old song but does break Contestant Rule #5: Please, for the love of Bo Bice, do not twirl the microphone stand. And also Contestant Rule #6: Do not make goo-goo eyes at the camera, a’la Constantine Maroulis. Randy says that he “made a rock joint” of the song and just to mock Simon, Paula adds, “It was a bit worthy ... it's worthy of great praise.” Have to agree. Unfortunately, Simon has had a lobotomy since he used that word and can’t remember what he meant by it. Another mystery that will remain unsolved.

Next is Jason Yeager and we finally see his initial audition, in which he is great. We also see him in Dallas with his adorable little boy. Jason seems like such a nice guy, attractive and personable. Why they saved his footage is a mystery to me, although Nigel recently stated in an interview that they had issues with getting song clearances. Okaaaay. They must have cleared those up because here we are, at the eleventh hour. Jason croons “Moon River” and we all take a nap at my house. His voice is pleasant enough and he has a gorgeous smile, but this is the type of singing that you hear at one of those fancy-pants type restaurants where proposals of marriage are taking place. Randy plays the “pitchy” card, duh. Paula says “I did my first ballet recital to that song,” and everyone says awwww. Then Simons counters with, “I bought my first puppy to that song.” Funny guy that Simon. Then Jason breaks “Contestant Rule #9: Do not play the “I dedicate this song to my grandma” card.

Robbie Carrico is up next and we finally officially learn that he was in a “boy band with girls,” and they toured with Britney back in the days when she was a pop singer. Sad how Harvey and TMZ (a.k.a. the devil and his minions) have aided in creating the train-wreck that we see today, but I digress. Back to Idol... these days Robbie just wants to be a rocker, dude! He is rather cute minus the beanie/scarf/headband. Tonight he sings “One is the Loneliest Number” and he has a wonderful voice. The band helps with making this song more “current,” one of Simon’s favorite words. Robbie breaks Contestant Rule #7: Do not hold up a finger to indicate number one (or two, or three, etc.) It’s just geeky. Randy loves him and calls him “baby.” Paula says his vocals “were right in the pocket the way they should be.” Simon goes on for a hundred years about relevance. For no apparent reason, Ryan throws out the Justin Timberlake comparison, to Robbie’s chagrin.

The most adorable American Idol contestant EVER is up next. This is the guy that I want My Kid to marry one day, or at least go to the prom with. David Archuleta is so tiny and little and sweet and My Kid is like, CAN WE KEEP HIM?? Fingers crossed that the boy can really sing and this is not just Sanjaya 2.0. David sings “Shop Around,” which I remember as a Captain & Tennille song. He is awesome and practically perfect! My Kid loves him but questions the message in the song: “so his mom is giving him permission to be a man-ho?” If I was 30 years younger, I would be like the blonde Crying Girl from last year. The judges love him times three as they should. David is breathless and shy and goofy. He breaks Contestant Rule #15: Watch out for the patented Katharine McPhee “nervous lip lick” but that’s okay. Ryan makes the funny “you can only vote for him, you actually can’t adopt him.” Darn it!

Next up is Danny Noriega who is hilarious but I can only take about fifteen seconds of him. I enjoy listening to him sing but he’s got way too much sugar in the tank for this very old-fashioned person. He sings “Jailhouse Rock” and his voice is terrific and on-key. He is not effete when he sings but his dancing is way out of control. The low rider pants scream girly; I have to avert my eyes from the TV to get through this performance. The judges seem to be as confused as we are: Randy reluctantly says, “it was kinda hot” and is GLAAD he had a good time. Paula upgrades to “almost scalding” and plays the card of “so many different colors.” The audience boos as Simon rips him a new one, starting with “grotesque.” Danny breaks the Contestant Rule #10 (see Chikezie) and even gives him the shoulder snap. Paula and Simon argue for a thousand years and we can ensure at least 10% of the voters will be dialing Danny’s number tonight.

Back to the men… Luke Menard is up next and he is one of the four “mystery” guys. We finally see his initial try-out and learn that he is also a repeat auditioner from last year. He is very handsome with a pretty wife and seems nice. Right away though, he breaks Contestant Rule #11: Unless you are performing outdoors in winter, do not wear your coat or any other outerwear while singing. He does “Everybody’s Talking At Me” and it is long and boring and he does not really sound very good. It’s not howling-dog bad but close. Perhaps Cameron Crowe will make a sequel to Elizabethtown and Luke can play Drew Baylor’s younger brother. Only Luke’s extremely handsome face will get him through this round, and the judges agree. Paula compares him to Kenny Loggins, and My Kid says Who? (Sometimes it is annoying to watch this show with her.) Simon quips to Paula, “what color was it?” and plays the “forgettable” card. Luke is the third person to break rule #10 tonight… watch out guys.

Colton Berry is up next and he is cute and squeaky-voiced and has been watching AI since the beginning (when he was an infant.) Oh my, right away in his video, he breaks an unwritten contestant rule: do not mention the Teletubbies! Colton is cute in that “this is the guy that can help me upgrade the memory on my laptop” kinda way. Colton sings “Suspicious Minds,” otherwise known as The Song That Got Daughtry Voted Off. My Kid is appalled that anyone would even attempt to sing a Chris song and I patiently try to explain that it’s actually an Elvis song. (If she says Who? I think I will frog her.) At any rate, Colton has a nice enough voice but his performance is annoying and too high-school-musical to my taste. He breaks Contestant Rule #3: Do not smile while singing “sad song” lyrics. Paula and Randy like Colton okay but Simon brings up the “musical theater” issue which is valid. Ryan tries to start a riot before we finally mercifully move on.

Ryan compares the mop hair of 70s stars Peter Frampton and Leif Garrett to the next guy up, Garrett Haley. Garrett is cute but terribly frail; hopefully there will be no wind machines tonight. We see his initial audition and he has a high-pitched pleasant voice. We learn that he auditioned while on vacation in San Diego. Better than Disney World, at least for the Haley family. Tonight Garrett sings “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” and has the deer (not rabbit, Simon) in-the-headlights look from note one. He also breaks the “don’t be stiff” rule and a couple of others, but then I suddenly wake up from my nap and it’s over. My Kid says that she likes Garrett, he is cool and hot at the same time and likes his peach fuzz. Randy and Paula go on and on about how Garrett should have done something different with the song and surely he is thinking “Dude, I just learned it five minutes ago.” Simon tells him that he looks pale and terrified and like something that just crawled out of the Cryptkeeper’s attic. Poor child counters that maybe he should “Go tanning?”

Ryan sits on the red couch and reminds us about the American Idol/iTunes love connection. Great… we are going to have to hear this at least seventy thousand more times this season.

Dreadlocked Jason Castro is up next, and although most people my age find this look “dread”ful, I kinda dig it. So there! (I am “current” and “relevant!”) We finally get to see his first audition and he has a nice voice and cute face and amiable personality. Jason is twenty and has only sang in public a few times. This season is so bizarre with the mixture of pros and amateurs that it’s like watching two different shows at times. Jason strums his guitar while singing “What a Day for a Daydream” and we can’t help but wonder if he realizes what the “bundle of joy” reference means. He breaks Contestant Rule #13: If you are a mere child, do not sing songs about being married with kids, reminiscing about your long life. His voice cracks a couple of times but it sounds like it’s intentional. Overall it’s a solid performance, and Randy and Paula agree. Simon is more ecstatic and tells him that it was “in the Top 2 performances of the night.” He mentions that Jason, like David has that elusive “it” factor. (He doesn’t say which of the three Davids he means but we can guess.)

The last spot of the evening, known in the AI fan community as the “pimp spot” goes to Australia’s Michael Johns. In his video he reminds we U.S. citizens that he has been in the states his entire adult life, thank-you-very-much. Tonight he is rocking out to the Doors’ “Light My Fire” complete with a fiery screensaver background. For no apparent reason at all, he is wearing a scarf; is it THAT cold in California this time of year? Indoors? (See Rule #11, dude.) No matter, he does exactly what he was supposed to do: show everyone else thus far how it’s DONE. His voice is fine, he is fine, and the judges are fine. It’s all good. Randy compares him to the late Michael Hutchence (of INXS before they sold out to Rock Star.) Paula has completely melted and Simon tells him that he’s the “most consistent” contestant that they’ve had so far. During Ryan banter, Michael mentions that he sang this song during Hollywood. Thanks for the reminder; now I remember how Amanda did it better. Still love ya though.

Recap time of the top 12 guys, oddly enough most of them shown mid rule-breaking. My Kid and I try to pick our favorites.

Quote of the evening –
Simon: “I just think if people spent more time worrying about their voices rather than their hair…”
Ryan: “That’s called hopeless that box cut you’ve got …”

Leader of the pack by a mile is Star Search’s David Archuleta. Several of the others were also good. No one was howling-bad, but I predict that the two going home on Thursday will be Jason Yeager and Luke Menard. I know, I know, WHO?

Tomorrow it’s Girls Nite Up to the mic…