I Heard the Final 11 Today, Oh Boy

March 18, 2008

A well-lit Ryan, way up in the tech-y metal rafters, declares: “Tonight, by popular demand, the number one show in the country celebrates the number one band of all time. We’re back with The Beatles.” Loosely translated, this means “The Powers That Be have not recouped their investment in those songs yet, so welcome to Beatles Night 2.”

It’ll take two hours to sing 11 songs so we get prepared for major filler fodder. Ryan oh … so … slowly introduces himself, the band, the contestants, the judges, the stage hands, his great aunt Sally, and the first 28 teenagers in the mosh pit.

Randy is already yawning and little wonder. Pass me some NoDoz, because my Vault Zero is not kicking in yet. Perhaps the glitter and sparkle of Paula’s shirt will keep us all alert. Simon appears bored as usual, even when Ryan teases him about the SIMON is SEXY sign in the audience.

They show another montage of music legends Lennon and McCartney, this time including all of The Beatles. To paraphrase Greg Behrendt, I am just not that into them. Even cave dwellers have at least heard of this group, although in different ways. As My Kid watches Paul in the montage, she asks “isn’t he the guy who was married to the one-legged lady on Dancing With the Stars?” Kids today! Do they not learn anything in History class?

Tonight the contestants will reveal in the pre-performance video their most memorable American Idol moment so far.

Amanda is first (in the spot of doom) and she talks about how she still needs to give Robbie his head scarf back, and that the big stage is better than the flatbed trucks she is used to performing on. She likes the big crowd, bright lights and rockin’ band. We are reminded of Amanda with the Lily Munster hair and Beetlejuice pants. Tonight she is singing “Back in the USSR,” a song that reminds me of the movie Heartbreakers, one of my favorite comedies. Hopefully Amanda will do a better job than Max Conners disguised as the Russian Olga. Our biker nurse rocks it from the very beginning and the band sounds great. Midway gets kinda rough and she seems disconnected and plays with her hair a bit. Am glad that she says Moscow boys instead of girls; am just old-fangled that way. My Kid likes her outfit and now wants to go to Hot Topic at the mall. It still creeps me how much Amanda and My Kid look alike. Randy says, “I've gotta give you a 7 out of 10 on that one.” Paula mentions something about her being “ahead of the beat” but we did not catch that mistake. She adds, “when you connect you are quintessential, authentic, who-you-are.” Simon plays the “predictable” and “it was a mess” cards which leads Amanda to proclaim “Ballads are boring!” Oops, she just affronted Archuleta fans everywhere. The jist of Amanda is simply that she’s a rocker chick and if all she does is the bar scene in Indiana, that is just fine with her.

Next up, Kristy gets the chat stool with Ryan and she looks pretty, as always. She is in “cowgirl goes to the prom” mode. They yak and giggle and look at pictures of her animals and make fun of Simon and Randy. Poor Randy is like, dawg what did I do? In her video, Kristy talks about deservedly being in the bottom three 747 times so far this season, and how she knows that both Hernandez and Asia’h are better singers. Probably Alexandrea too and definitely Alaina. The only one worse so far this season has been Amy Davis. Tonight she is singing a song that she learned five minutes ago called “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away.” I really want to like this girl’s voice because obviously she is like the AI version of the Highlander and John Amsterdam: freakin’ immortal. But there are parts of the song that are so howling-dog bad that the mute button on my remote is now my best friend. So weird how she smiles through a song that is about the pain of lost love. Because she’s showing some leg, Randy is wishy-washy with his review but finally gets out that it “should have been a little bit more emotional from you.” Paula plays the “gorgeous” card and echoes Randy’s “safe.” To random boos, Simon calls it “musical wallpaper” that “you notice it, but you can't remember it.” At least Kristy proves she is no Haley Scarnato 2.0 when she says she wishes her dress was a little longer.

Little David is up next, hopefully to redeem himself from the forgetfulness fiasco of last week. Of course, he mentions that very incident in his video, although he has definitely done some things to be proud of as well. Mostly, his version of “Imagine,” by John Lennon of just-who-are-these-Beatles-of-whom-you-speak? Adorable David even says, “Dang it!” like the good Mormon boy from Utah that he is. Tonight he sings “The Long and Winding Road” which is definitely long and maybe winding. Sweet David is exactly like Melinda Doolittle this week, only the teenaged white boy version of her. He does not miss one single note and we are so proud of him. My Kid thinks that he is so cute and little and if they make a Webkinz of him, can she have one? Randy says that David “brought the hotness back to his game tonight” but that he could “take liberties on a joint like that” and do runs and what-not. Didn’t these exact same judges just tell Kristy to stick to the ever-loving melody?? Anyways, Paula mumbles something about his purity and that “challenge doesn't build character, it reveals character,” which is true. Simon applauds the cutie, calls him “amazing” and declares that it was a “master class.” The “Archies” in the mosh pit go wild to Ryan’s disgruntledness. David is giggly and breathless and one day will grow into an extremely handsome man. Until then, he’ll be the pride and joy of AI7.

Ryan does a pathetic iPhone commercial right on the stage, and I can not wait to see how Joel McHale will make fun of him on The Soup this Friday. Cheers, judges; cheers indeed.

Finally back to the action… Michael borrows one of Rocker Dave’s hats while doing his vid this week. He reminds us that his favorite moment of the show so far is when he did “Bohemian Rhapsody” during Hollywood week. He has yet to recapture that awesomeness and is hoping to claim it tonight. Michael is doing the song that Taylor did during the finale last year, “A Day in the Life.” I never thought that I would say that Taylor Hicks did something better than anybody, but there ya go. Although there are parts of the song that are not horrible, this is a bit like Kristy from earlier tonight. Michael is so easy on the eyes that you really want him to sing equally well, but it’s just not working out so far. The song’s lyrics are strange and don’t seem to go together, but this may be due to the editing. Randy waffles for awhile; “you can just sing and let your voice do your thing.” Paula goes on for a thousand years about maybe the ear monitors are to blame for the horrid singing but helllloooo. He ain’t wearing any. Michael lets her babble for a long time before Ryan finally points out that fact. Simon maintains that “it was a mess” and “not good enough, sorry.” During Ryan banter we notice that both Seacrest and Johns are dressed in all black. This may be why Michael goes the sympathy route with the dedication-to-dead-friend explanation of song choice.

The sunshiniest gal in the whole wide world is Brooke and she is up next, dressed all in yellow. She chats with Ryan, explains to we numbskulls where Nova Scotia is, and talks about escaping the pressures of the show to spend time with her family. In her video, she says her best moment so far was having the opportunity to sing “Let it Be” last week. I love Brooke but the dress looks silly and her bangs keep falling in her eyes like a four-year-old. Aren’t caregivers always supposed to have barrettes in their pocket? Someone get her one; it’s distracting. Although she is still our “little darling,” she is not doing very well tonight. Her voice is everywhere and she seems clumsy without an instrument to play. The high note toward the end was random and gawky. Randy comments that it was “really awkward for me” and she “never really connected to that song.” Brooke will NOT be quiet which is the kiss of death during critique time. Paula loves Brooke and the yellow and the “low tones” to her voice. Simon brings it home with “I just knew ... that you'd be dressed in yellow and the lighting would be yellow” and he thought the “performance was terrible.” Brooke encourages the audience to stop booing and Simon can’t get a word in edgewise. Someone please tell her to STHU! And stop biting her lips. And get her bangs trimmed. And ditch that atrocious dress. Whatever. We still adore the nanny lady.

Next we learn that Seacrest + Mosh Pit = Disaster. Another uncomfortable moment brought to us by iTunes.

Rocker Dave is next and via video, he speaks of being invincible and so hot he burns his own self on the rock concert lights and smoke. I expect him to break out into the “I’m too sexy for my shirt” song. My Kid goes wild, because she loves Dave and his high-collared jacket and straight-ironed hair and the AC on his guitar. Tonight he sings the Whitesnake version of “Day Tripper” and he is stunningly good as usual. It is like watching a different show when he is performing even though the voice box thing was Frampton-lite. Although he conveys the smug ‘tude that so many naysayers proclaimed Daughtry had two years ago, the dude can rock his combover off. Randy declares that “it was another solid look for David Cook.” (Poet and didn’t know it.) Paula says that “you’re ready to go sell records” and mentions the GEICO commercials, heh. You can tell that Simon and Dave will never be BFF’s – David mentions that he just learned to use the voice decoder thingy yesterday and Simon snarks, “That was obvious.” When it’s finally Simon’s turn he says, “I don't think that was as good as you thought it was” and “you looked a bit smug throughout.” Some smugness may get knocked out when Ryan makes David fall, although My Kid says that it was on purpose. Ryan proves way too cool to speak into a voice box that already has someone else’s germs on it. OCD much?

Only because they have to pass the time with some kind of filler that doesn’t involve hawking products, Ryan converses with the judges at their table. There is nonsensical talk of sparrows and blackbirds and oil and it’s just stupid. Only Randy is articulate if you can even believe that.

Carly is up next and she reminisces about her favorite moments on the show (both this year and two years ago), when Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson. We like Carly and think she has an incredible voice but she is very hit and miss style-wise. Tonight it’s all misses, with the mom-hair and grandma-going-to-a-tea-party-in-Hawaii-blouse. She sings a song I have never heard before called “Blackbird” and it’s the song that the judges were just rambling about. It’s pretty and delicate but then she blows it with the unnecessary power notes. My Kid reiterates the Nightwish comparison. Randy tells Carly that it was “very nice, very controlled” and invents the word “cooliosis” just for her. Gee, sounds like hot flash disease or something, thanks Rand. Paula says that “the arrangement was beautiful” and compliments her “amazing tone.” When Simon says that “I thought the song was indulgent,” Carly is truly offended. She goes on and on about why the song is just like her life when her wings were broken and the other contestants were poor little homeless birds living in their cars and just wanting to break into the music industry. Simon says that she has made him uncomfortable. Well, his chest rubbing makes us uncomfortable so whatev. Carly goes into fandom mode with glee for awhile. Then she shows the latest tattoos on her fingers and although he would never admit it, Ryan thinks tats are so uncool and icky.

More eye candy with Jason and his dreads and pretty face. In his video he tells us incongruously that his favorite moment so far was when he totally blew the last note of “Hallelujah” and the lame-headed judges thought it was the awesomest anyway. Dude! Tonight he sings “Michelle” and he has no grasp of the meaning of the song, the French language, that “ma belle” does not mean “my bell,” The Beatles, or romantic intimacy. Bless his heart, he is another of the contestants that’s lost without an instrument to play while singing. Jason seems to be very aware of his failings as always, which makes him likeable. My Kid has deemed Monsieur Castro as her préféré and everything he does is simply parfait. There is no doubt that he is splendide and doué. Randy just doesn’t know what to say, he “didn’t get it” and it was “just aw’right.” Paula is funny with “it was an intimate song that became more like a polka.” Mr. States-The-Obvious decrees that maybe they shouldn’t have done Beatles Nombre Deux. He didn’t like the song, however he tells Jason “you’re very charming and you're not obnoxious” and that he has the “goofiness that makes it work.” Ryan almost blows Jason’s mind by suggesting that they give out his voting phone numbers in French. The little mosh pit girls will not hush long enough for them to do the numbers in any language. Oh how jealous I am of them. Dude!

With visions of lava-like-Coke-screen-savers behind them, Ryan and Syesha chat on the silver stools. She looks incredibly gorgeous tonight in a long green dress and earrings the size of my coffee table. She gives a shout out to her visiting family, reminding us of the story of her dad during her audition in Miami. Syesha is so pretty in her video as she talks about losing her voice in Hollywood. Her moment of truth came last week when she was in the bottom three and it was just the “kick in the butt” that she needed. Tonight she sits on the stage with the guitar player and sings “Yesterday.” Her dress is low-cut but the big blue box with her name and number pops up just in time to hide the somewhat massive cleavage. Syesha holds her own with a lovely rendition of the song, only adding a couple of high notes to prove that she can. Randy says that “you took some liberties” and “very, very good performance tonight.” Paula adds that it was good that “you let yourself be vulnerable” and reminds her that it was a good thing to do. Underlying message is to “get off thee high horse of all thou thatness.” The kudos to the guitar player was a nice touch. Simon massacres her name but tells her that it “was probably your best performance so far.” He mentions that it was very Eva Cassidy-like which reminds me to order that late singer’s music on amazon before the night is over.

While Ryan tries to explain iTunes to someone’s grandpa, we await my favorite crazy man, Chikezie. His most memorable moment was in Hollywood when he was complimented by all three judges and got all excited. Oh, and his running/jumping/Ryan-touched-me time from last week. Sweaty Times at American Idol High, coming soon from Cameron Crowe. Tonight Chi is singing a love song called “I’ve Just Seen a Face.” It’s slow and dreamy and simple and he is back in Luther mode. Until! He breaks out the harmonica, ramps the song up and countrifies it like grits with Sunday breakfast. It’s not as good as last week but at least it’s different and “I’m falling oh I’m falling” for Mr. Eze all over again! This is the antithesis of KLC’s countrifying last week. GO CHI!!! Randy says that “it sounded like it could make a good country song.” Paula adds that “I get a whole scope of who you are and I love it.” Simon misuses the word “literally” again, he really needs to look it up. He says it “started off okay” but turned “gimmicky” by the end. Then Simon takes a swipe at poor Billy Ray Cyrus who never hurt anyone, just sang (and danced) meh while looking fab. Chikezie is a solid performer, looks handsome tonight and keeps his cool during the review. We like him even more now that we read he’s a “born-again Christian” and hope that he’s in this contest for the long haul.

The money spot tonight goes to Ramiele, who explains to us in her video that the very best thing about American Idol is making all those friends. We see her with Mama Brooke and Brother Cook and she seems so sweet that you can’t help but like her. Last week she dedicated her slow song to the dearly departed (from the show) Danny and Colton. To keep from boring us like last week, tonight she is singing an up-tempo song called “I Should Have Known Better.” This song is about a boy but really should be about her atrocious outfit. She has one of Brother Cook’s hats and is wearing a light yellow tee with a corset. It is very strange and she is way too cute for such hideous attire. She sings well though which is the more important thing. Her voice is pleasant, although she seems to always be searching for the karaoke screen with follow-the-bouncing-ball lyrics. Randy says that she “showed that confidence I know is in there.” Paula wants her to get back into ballads and refers to the Dusty Springfield song from a few weeks ago. A confused Ramiele says she promises to get right back into the box they told her to get out of last week. Simon disses her for choosing a “mediocre song” but adds that “you've got a fantastic personality and “you're lots of fun.” Suddenly tall Ryan comforts little Rami but not for long, since they are running out of time. He whispers something to her; probably wants to borrow the corset.

Recap time and the Davids were the best. Everyone else was just so-so to bad. My pick to leave tomorrow is Kristy Lee Cook, please America. Have a bad feeling that we’ll be in for a shocker. Way too much talking by Carly and Brooke; they need to learn to hush and just stand there. Historically speaking being a Chatty Cathy just loses you votes. (Chris Sligh anyone?)

Quotes from tonight:

Ryan (regarding the Simon is Sexy sign in the audience): “I see you’re holding sign-making class at your house again.”

Amanda (in her vid, discussing the song she’s singing tonight): “I’ll tease it up really high and throw some black eyeliner on it.”

Kristy (to Simon): “I can blow you out of your socks and you know it.”

Simon (to Carly regarding her explanation of the Blackbird song): “I think you're all broken birds now.”

Simon (to Jason): Where you're lucky is this is a TV show and not a radio show, because your face sold that.

Simon (regarding Chikezie’s song): It turns into ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ at the end…
Chikezie: Achy Breaky was a hit…
Paula: Achy Breaky sold a lot of records…
Simon: Not a song to be proud of though…

Simon (about Ramiele’s performance): “It sounded like Chikezie was on the harmonica.”

Randy: … they just need to sing these songs man, like there’s no tomorrow, Paula...
Paula: All right … we’re done …
Simon: We know the name of the record, Randy.

In a show that has such a plethora of shameless plugs, they should let Randy get a little of his own back up in there, dawg.

Tomorrow we’ll find out who will be “feeling fine” and which one will “cry instead.” Only the top 10 contestants go on the tour, so this is a biggie.

Au revoir Mademoiselle Cook? S'il vous plait?