Top Five "Diamond"s in the Rough

April 29, 2008

Right off the bat, without even naming any names, Ryan alludes to “the incident” from last week. You remember Brookegate, right? The consensus of the Idol judiciary committee is that she should forever and always hold her head in shame. I hope she doesn’t.

So this week features Neil Diamond as the coach/mentor and each contestant will sing two songs from his catalog. The only record of his that I ever bought was the duet with Barbra Streisand called “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers.” It was during her “Songbird” days and she was awesome then. But I digress…

Ryan looks like Heat Miser as he gloats about Carly watching from home tonight. Randy has Coke-bottle glasses, Paula has a pretty hairdo and Simon has come undone.

However will they cram 10 songs, Neil’s coaching, judge banter, and iTunes plugging into one hour? We shall see if Seacrest can facilitate.

The Jazz Singer himself, Neil Diamond has been in the music industry for at least one hundred thousand years. This “model of longevity” looks very good for his age and he still likes shiny shirts.

Because of time constraints, the format tonight will be as follows: the contestants will be shown in their practice session with Neil and he will give his obligatory comment. Then they’ll sing their first song. The judges will only critique after the second songs are performed. That is the plan at least.

Here is an idea: why not make this episode an hour and a half and make tomorrow’s elimination show a half hour? Oh, right. That makes too much common sense; it’d never work.

Up first in the spot of doom, is dreadlocked folkster Jason. He continues to be a batty, loveable screw-up. He’s like both Laverne and Shirley rolled into one, but guy-shaped. Neil seriously hopes that he gets his sheyat together before he hits the stage. Jason’s first song is “Forever in Blue Jeans,” which he performs while strumming the guitar. He does exactly the Jason-like thing as always – pretty eyes, great smile, gorgeous face, pleasant voice, laid-back persona. Can’t help but wonder when the umbrella drink will arrive at my table though.

Ryan and Rocker Dave hit the stools and chat about Ryan’s childhood and singing with hairbrushes and gay stuff like that. David seems to really want to be elsewhere. Neil is impressed with our Mr. Cook and even got goosebumps. Dave’s first song is “I’m Alive,” which he rocks out while seeming to play the electric guitar. For those who are wondering what the AC on his jacket means, it’s for his brother Adam. David sounds just as great as always and is sporting an asymmetrical haircut that looks straight out of Japanese anime.

No do-overs for Ms. Brooke tonight, nosiree. Neil advises her to change a lyric (from New York to Arizona) but she seems unsure. He says he was “pleasantly surprised” by her and we all have our fingers crossed. In a rare moment, Brooke rocks out to “I’m a Believer” while playing guitar. She sounds okay but now we remember why her rocking moments are so unusual. Brooke White and rock-n-roll go together like peanut butter and tuna fish. She looks pretty tonight though and much more relaxed. Hey, it’s all gravy from here, right?

Ryan pimps out iTunes and how we can “own a piece of Archuleta,” all the while laughing at a sign in the audience that says My Husband Has a Man Crush on Seacrest. Ewww. Back to Little David, in the practice session with Neil – he is ungainly and unsure and oh so giddy. Neil calls him a “prodigy” which is true enough. His first song is “Sweet Caroline,” which is what Carly would have performed if she was here tonight. Archie does an awesome, wind-up job as always. The girls go wild when he hits the “touching me/touching you” lyric.

The money spot tonight goes to Syesha, who is excited about doing a “mini concert” this evening. Neil likes her very much and even asks for a hug. The first song she does tonight is “Hello Again.” She starts while sitting in front of the mosh pit of waving hands. Last week while lounging on the piano she had an excuse to be barefoot. No piano tonight but no shoes either. Hello? Paul Kim? Again? At any rate, Syesha is beautiful in a simple dress, and we’ve all been wondering what happened to the McPhee/Scarnato hair extensions. Now we know.

Because Ryan likes to play mind games with the judges (and the viewers also), he decides to poll them now instead of later for their opinions of the five singers thus far. This proves way too much to handle for Paula who has a meltdown moment and already has Jason’s SECOND critique prepared. No, they haven’t performed their second songs yet, so there seems to be some loopiness afoot. And abreast. I think she got ahead, heh. (Somebody stop me!) Paula blubbers and fibs that she was reading her notes on David Cook. Riiiight. And Mulder got his sister Samantha back from the aliens.

Finally, Simon gives all five of them a spanking and stern warning that they had better STEP UP their game. Or else he will turn the car around and there will be no ice cream for anyone! I don’t think any of them did as poorly as he claims but that is why he is called a judge and I am called a fan.

Ryan is in fast-forward mode as we are only half-way done and it’s already five minutes past the bottom of the hour. Quick like a bunny, we get started with the second round.

For his second song, Jason is doing “September Morn,” which tonight becomes more like “mourn.” He is disconnected and seems to be fading before our very eyes. Could it be that he is tired of all these things of Idol and wants out? The screaming girls love him very much. The judges though, not so much. None of them particularly liked either of Jason’s performances tonight. Simon wants to know where the real Jason Castro went and who is this pod person that stands before us? (He’s out back with Woody and Matthew, dude.)

Crazy-haired Rocker Dave is up next and he’s jamming again, only this time on acoustic guitar. His version of “All I Really Need is You” is one of my favorite performances on the show ever. He took Neil Diamond and turned it into David Cook, and all three judges agree. Randy uses his favorite “hot” analogy, and Paula practically hands Rocker Dave the Idol crown five weeks early. Simon puts it all in perspective by reminding everyone that being able to spin an old song into something contemporary is what the show is about.

For Brooke’s encore, she is playing the piano and singing “I Am I Said.” This is a much better song choice for her and more in her niche. Her voice is stronger and she takes Neil’s advice to change the lyrics to say she’s from Arizona. Alas, AZ and L.A. aren’t “lost between two shores” so it’s kinda silly. The judges don’t seem to mind and think she did a nice job. Paula likes her vulnerability, and Simon is glad that this Brooke is back. We do, even though it feels like Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth are both pouring from the TV screen.

There is little doubt that if (God forbid) Kristy Lee Cook was still in the running, she would have chosen the next number, “America.” Instead, this song of immigration goes to Disney David. Although he seems to try to oversell the tune somewhat, of thee he sings of the sweet land of liberty. Randy loves him almost as much as the tweeners do because he is “in the zone.” Paula is in her happy place and cannot be disturbed. Simon praises him on the cleverness of song choice and wishes Carly or Michael were here for foreigner solidarity.

We have finally reached the end of the evening and it’s Syesha’s time to shine again. She is still shoeless but this time she is in up-tempo-mode with “Thank the Lord for the Night Time.” This is a swinging diddy and reminiscent of last week’s Broadway tune. Syesha is in her element once again and does a terrific job. Too little too late, the judges tell her that she is finally in the competition. They love her as a singer and an actress and how she comes alive in this genre. To her dismay, Simon predicts an exit for her tomorrow. Boo on Cowell.

Recap time… Jason is the worst of this crop by far. Rocker Dave makes us feel like we’ve turned the channel to VH1 already. His second song was absolutely great.

If there is any justice Jason will exit tomorrow. Since we know that he won’t, we should fear for Syesha, unless Simon only said those things to get sympathy votes for her. Stranger things have happened; just last week in fact.

Prediction for bottom two: Brooke and Jason with Brooke going home.

Most memorable quote ever:

Paula: Oh my God, I thought you sang twice!
Ryan: Paula, you’re seeing the future baby, you’re seeing the future.

Until tomorrow, when Paula takes the whole pill and one contestant will be “Song Sung Blue.” Also that Natasha chick that sings the Pantene shampoo commercial jingle will be performing.

Thank you Neil Diamond; hopefully your new album will sell a crazillion copies when it’s released next week.