Two Guys and a Diva-lite

May 13, 2008

Today I received the annual TV Guide with the Top 3 on the cover. Before I could finish reading the article, I spilled Tropicana Sugar Free Orangeade all over the magazine. I am klutzier than this year’s singers at group performance time.

Ryan says that tonight’s show could be called: The High Schooler, The Actress, and The Barrrtender.

There’s some major sucking up going on to the color-coordinated judges at intro time. It must be close to payday or maybe performance review time.

Keeping with tradition, this evening we will hear three songs from each contestant selected by a judge, themselves, and a producer.

Judge’s Choice

First up is Little David, who looks stylish in jeans, leather jacket and a skinny tie. His first song was chosen by Paula and he is told while in his hometown of Murray, Utah. The mayor tells him that she’s picked “And So It Goes” by Billy Joel. Tonight, Archie’s voice is angelic, if a bit breathy and he is adorable as always. My Kid is way over David, but I tell her that to not like him is the same as not liking rainbows and puppies and cotton candy. She gags and frogs me, but I like this analogy. Randy calls the performance “dope,” and Paula is glad that she picked a perfect “pure and sunny” storyteller song for him. To major boos, Simon throws out “predictable” but admits it was good. Disney David is no Piano Man but he held his own. Can’t help but feel for the little guy in light of all the recent scandal.

Before introducing Syesha, it’s mass and mad confusion at the judges’ table. Hopefully Ryan will never do that “yo yo yo” thing again. Funny when Simon does the hand-over-mouth maneuver that got Kelly Ripa in so much trouble with Clay awhile back. Back to biz - While in the limo on the way to Tampa, Syesha gets a text message from Randy that his pick for her is “If I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keys. She is very excited about this as she should be; she performed this song on that other talent show called The One. (There is a fun website that has a video of this performance; we’ll have to check it out later.) Randy loves Sye almost as much as she loves herself. Paula tells her how beautiful she is, which is true even though Syesha is back to that irritating fake drawl. Simon likes it but says that he wishes that Randy hadn’t chosen something so ordinary for her to sing. Snark.

Rocker Dave gets his text message from Simon while being interviewed by FOX4 in his hometown in Missouri. To the amusement of the anchor people there, Simon has chosen “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” by Roberta Flack. On stage, even Ryan makes fun of this song selection for David, but Simon stands behind it as a solid choice. This is one of the songs that I used to sing to My Kid when she was a baby. I do believe that our season seven rocker will make this song his very own. It turns out that this is my favorite performance from him yet, and I rewind it three times before moving on. It makes me cry almost as much as this video that I saw today. It’s payback time with Randy snarkage, but we will just ignore him. Paula is funny and loves David as she should. Simon is over the moon and even Debbie the stage manager is in tears.

Contestant’s Choice

Next, Little David takes the chat stools with Ryan to discuss his song choice of “With You” by Chris Brown. He wanted to kick up a little sumpin sumpin modern-day. Although this is one of the few top 40 songs that I can tolerate, I am not feeling Archie’s take on this ditty. He seems way out of his element, and fumbles around the lyrics a bit. There’s a reason he is so good at the old slow stuff. Randy says David shouldn’t try to sing “my boo” but then remembers that he is scripted to praise the Disney delight no matter what, dawg. Paula is in strange I-love-you-long-time mode and it is kinda creepy. Simon says it was “like a Chihuahua trying to be a tiger,” which is true enough. This whole fiasco makes me want to hear the song “No Air” which I really like. One of the best guest star performances this season was when Chris and Jordin hit the stage. Good times.

Syesha and Ryan are on the chat stools and he starts to pick up her fake southern accent; now I’m annoyed at both of them. For her song choice, Sye has chosen the old tune “Fever,” which has already been covered a crazillion times. I remember liking Paris Bennett’s version. (Season five is still the best of AI!) What makes Syesha stand out is The Chair From Hollywood Week. While wearing a mini dress from the Haley Scarnato collection, she prances and plays around “the chair” while singing the song pretty well. It would have been cool if a bucket of water fell down on her a’la Flashdance, but no such luck. Randy thinks that she sang it “amazingly well.” Paula disses her a little bit, saying that it didn’t define WHO Syesha really IS. Simon hurts everyone’s feelings (except Sye’s) by calling her performance “lame cabaret.”

My Kid and I are excited that Rocker David is doing a Switchfoot song. They are one of the CCM bands that have made it big in the pop world. While Ryan slumps the wrong way in “Mercado’s chair,” Dave explains his song choice. He speaks of planets and making a difference and being a bartender. As with many of Rocker David’s songs, he starts the verse low and then – greatness. It is so cool when he does that. This song is from the movie A Walk to Remember, which My Kid loves, so she is delighted. David Cook sure is my pick for winner of this contest. Of course the judges are not going to like anything with even an obscure spiritual context, so Randy says it’s “not his best,” and Paula was left “wanting more.” Simon didn’t hate it but it was not “melodic,” and he’s not pleased with any of the three this round.

Producer’s Choice

Because we’ve fiddle-farted around too much tonight, Seacrest is now in hurry-up mode. (Way to facilitate, RYAN.) He quickly reveals that for Little David’s final song, the producers chose the old number by Dan somebody called “Longer.” This is such a cheesy, eye-roll-inducing love song, that it should have made the Canned Corn list, but oh well. The judges will love this one, for sure. Although he sings it well, the song goes on “longer than there’ve been fishes in the ocean” for the love of God. Randy proclaims it was another “hot one” and Paula simply says that it was “lovely.” Simon likes David’s singing and can’t criticize his song choice (Kat McPhee taught him that lesson two years ago during this very round with her cry of “but I didn’t pick it!!”) He agrees that the song is a slice of gooey Velveeta preferred by the nursing home crowd.

The producers must be big fans of the cartoon Happy Feet because they have chosen “Hit Me Up” for our last-girl-gyrating Syesha. She has the moves down pat but does not seem to be feeling this one. I expect her to shoot the bird at the camera at any moment and say “Up yours Nigel!” Like Archie, Syesha has a niche and this is not it for her, and I don’t blame her if she resents the gauche choice they made with this song. Randy says it was “Rihanna-esque,” and Paula seems to think that Ms. Mercado should pack her Louis Vuitton. Is this a ploy to get folks to vote for her or just her honest opinion? (Probably the latter, since the Abdulster doesn’t seem the manipulative type, and manipulation takes cunning and common sense.) Then all three judges go on and on about singing/dancing penguins and they’re silly. Simon doesn’t think that Syesha had “a moment” this week.

To close the show, the producers tell rocker Dave that he will be doing Aerosmith’s “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.” This song always conjures images of Liv and Affleck and animal crackers, but maybe David can burn those visions out of my head. He is excellent on a song that was overplayed right to death back in its day and makes it seem new again. My Kid and I disagree about his personality and get into a debate - David Cook: Flip Arrogant Attitude or Cool Rocker Pose? I have to admit that he is this-close to tying with Daughtry for all-time best AI contestant. Randy must have his jockies in a wad because he deems him just “okay;” loving Steven Tyler much? Paula adores Dave as much as we do and predicts that he’ll be a finalist. Hopefully this will not jinx him, but he doesn’t need to win at this point anyway. Simon tells David that he “wins the night.” Agreed.

Recap time… DC is the best of the evening by far. The smart money is on Syesha to leave tomorrow, but then again THIS. Is American Idol. Where anything can happen…

For the conspiracy theorists out there: Was the constant pimping of Archie by the judges staged to create complacency among his fan base, hence leading to a Shocking Elimination tomorrow night? Are TIIC so tired of Stage Dad that they no longer want the Disney boy as their winner? Was poor Syesha put down so much to create sympathy votes for her? A final round with one guy and one girl is always more interesting than two guys or two girls. And what was up with Randy’s constant dissing of my fave Rocker Cook? Even Ryan seemed irriated that Dave was getting some of his own back with the “just a bartender” comment. And exactly what “phone book” can people actually sing, RANDY?

Quotes from this episode:

Paula (to Simon and Randy regarding Dave Cook): “It’s so funny how it’s about the two of you, but really it’s about you David.”

Simon: “Round one goes to Cook and Cowell.”

Ryan: “Paula’s on her feet! Spinning her finger around in the air like she just don’t care.”

‘Til tomorrow when most likely Syesha will say her good-byes. At least tonight she got a chance to shout out “I love you, too!” to random people. I stopped counting at like, a thousand. :-)