It’s the last audition city, if you can believe it. The audition time has flown by this season, maybe because the series has been less Gong Show-like this year. We will see some of the “best talent yet,” but first we have a quick American Idol PowerPoint presentation. Today’s lesson: flatulence can come at the most awkward times.
So, San Francisco - the audition city of Adam Lambert, he of the Elvis-with-bedhead hairdo, pretty face and glamorous voice. We see cool black and white footage of Judgery arrivals; looks like someone’s been playing in the PhotoFunia lab.
First up, a girl in a hot pink tracksuit says she is 22, but she looks 12. She is probably the most self-absorbed “unique creature” this side of the Ukraine. Fortunately she can’t sing and this is the last we’ll ever see of her “beautiful eyes” or the Asian Cryptkeeper husband who ordered her over the internet.
I always take a snack break during the Coming Up Next scenes, because I like surprises and it’s a waste of valuable air time. When we get back from advertising Fords, we see pretty girls get rejected and lots of seagull poop. There seems to be a pattern here in San Fran.
Quick montage of three who make it - a gal named Brittany begs for “Mercy,” Lara looks like a blonde Thirteen from House, and Matthew with his asymmetrical haircut and awesome voice.
Next we have a long sob story about a contestant who was in a horrible car accident, complete with stock footage from Rescue 911. Remember that show, before William Shatner was cool? Anyway. Stefano still has the scars but better than this, he really does have beautiful eyes and a belt made out of piano keys. He fabulously sings the song made famous by the California Raisins among others, and makes it through to Hollywood.
Day two in the City by the Bay and it’s more stylized editing and fun with Windows Movie Maker. Man, I bet working behind the scenes on this show is fun!
Speaking of fun, what’s better than karaoke? Why, nothing according to this next guy in big round thick glasses. He works as a host in “Strong Beach,” which probably means something to folks who live there. Clint (Junebug) sings that awful song about being a billionaire, but he has a great voice and star quality. Before the judges can say “get thee to the optometrist for contacts,” they put Junebug through to the next round.
The one Britney song that I can stand plays in the background as we see a “Circus” of ugly naked guys, crazy costumes, painted people, literal clowns, monkeys “rustling in the bushes,” and awkward people apologizing for being tone deaf.
The next contestant delights the sci-fi geek in me - I enjoy those Transformers movies and here comes a guy dressed like one! Even Jennifer exclaims that her 2 year-old son would be thrilled by this young man. Sadly he can’t sing well and to the Car’s song “Drive” he is sent down the speedway of rejection.
However, others do make it through to the next round. We see lots of pretty “California Gurls” but don’t even get the names of most of them, which is very unfortunate and unbalanced. So I guess the editors couldn’t even bother to type their names in the box under their face? So not fair. They are not using their editing software to its fullest advantage.
Another pretty young lady comes in with a flouncy dress and pretty gold heels, and she is 20 years-old today. Julie is originally from Colombia but fled to the U.S. with her family when she was a child. She sings the song that put Fantasia on the map back in the day, and her “Summertime” sounds lovely. The judges adore her, and Julie gets a “big sparkly shoe yes” to Hollywood.
Steven starts channeling his inner Andy Rooney with the next few rejects, starting with a rocker dude with 80s hair band tresses. He doesn’t sing as horribly as ST says but something sure hit a nerve. A guy in a hat may or may not have “hit his head,” and a homeless-looking dude has no one that will “stand by” him. A cute gal who may or may not be a police officer should “be arrested” for her voice, per ST.
The next gal looks like Sheryl Crow around the mouth area and talks like Julie Benz on helium. Footage from Third Watch is blended in with Emily Anne’s story of losing her home to a fire. She has a quirky cutesy-pie old-fashioned voice that brings to mind Megan Joy from the season that I stopped watching, so I say no at first. She’s cute enough for Jen and Randy and they send her to the next round.
While waiting during the next 5000 commercials My Kid (Tru) and I debate over the last gal, Emily Anne. Tru likes her a lot and she did sound unique, especially when they let her sing with her guitar. I have to take Tru's advice on what is good because she has “introduced” me to some really great singers, including Missy Higgins, Maria Taylor, and Ingrid Michelson. Three women who should be household names but they don’t wear dresses made out of meat, so alas they aren’t. Don’t even get me started on that topic because…
We are back to San Fran and the day is winding down. We see folks coming from all over the world including a middle-aged Chinese woman who is a translator. Broken dreams that will have to wait another year, unless you’re 30 and then it’s too late. You are back to driving a trolley and selling Rice-A-Roni or whatnot.
The next young man is like every Lifetime movie ever made put in a blender with Josiah Leming. (Remember him from a couple years back? The “I live in my car” boy.) It would be easier to list the hardships James has not been through, but here they are in alphabetical order: Asperger’s, baby son he can’t afford to buy diapers for, dead OD’d dad, girlfriend with sticky note obsession, Tourette’s, unfortunate fauxhawk hairdo. In front of the judges, it takes a minute to realize that the “You Shook Me” he is singing is not the one by AC/DC. James howls it well I suppose, if you like that dramatic stuff. With STs permission he also sings “Dream On,” and they like him enough to put him through to Hollywood.
They close the show with a potpourri of the excellent, the horrid, the heartrending, the erratic, the children, and a “duck.”
Quotes from San Fran:
Randy: That was quick. No.
Transformer Guy: I don’t want to be a car for the rest of my life.
Steven: Even the bow in the back is slammin’.
Jennifer: You got Steven angry. We’ve never seen this!
This audition season has been part Extreme Makeover with some Winter Wipeout and Jackass thrown in, but with singing. Tomorrow night, Hollywood week begins. Can’t wait!
