Ryan starts the show with math, which is always fun: 125,000 minus 6 equals a lot of folks who are watching from home saying “this coulda been me.”
Have you ever noticed that there is enough time to fold an entire load of laundry during the pause between “THIS” and “is American Idol?”
When we see the judges arrive, it appears that everyone has plans after the show. Jen is going ice skating, Steven is appearing at Studio 54, and Randy is attending a Laverne and Shirley reunion.
Ryan has had too much Starbucks. Good Lord. He reminds us that it’s less than a month to the finale; wow, time has gone by so fast.
Tonight the contestants will perform tunes from the songbook of legendary Carole King. She has had over a hundred songs on the Billboard charts over the past 50 years. Although most of her songs were made famous by other artists, her own album Tapestry was on the charts for six years.
Ryan pretends that he didn’t just introduce the remaining Idols five minutes ago and makes a production of unveiling them again. Decaf Seacrest. Decaf.
Because Jimmy Iovine is way too insufferable when he is in the studio alone, this week they brought in another partner. Supposedly, will.was.not.available so they scooped up Babyface. He has a real name and some real credentials, but I'm not really into this tunesmith. He’s worked with various artists including Carole King, and he is still very pretty in the (baby) face. Hopefully he will bring some good advice to the kids.
First up, it’s the long lost son of Fred G. Sanford and the G stands for garish. (My hubby and I still watch that show on TV Land, and it’s still as funny as ever.) Heavens, what kind of outfit is Jacob blinding us with? In the studio he practices “Oh No Not My Baby” literally 65 times. Jimmy reminds us that the over-the-top BS that Jacob "Rupauls" to us every week needs to be dialed down and Babyface agrees. They want him to just sing, RANDY! He does and I guess it’s okay (for him) but his bright yellow shoes that match his bright yellow shirt distract us from the caterwauling. Steven likes the strutting; Jen didn’t mind the spaces where it wasn’t perfect; Randy contradicts everything he has told Brother Lusk thus far. Ryan tries to fix the crooked bowtie but it’s a lost cause. Much like my faith in this show sometimes. Jacob is proud of himself, much like Lamont when he bought Fred the new color TV with remote control. Please Jacob, while you’re in that crazy suit, hold up your pinky finger and sing “If I could be sure…”
Ryan tells us in no uncertain terms that the tour tickets go on sale May 13th. We have never been to an Idol concert before; I just watch the vids on YouTube. It’s the 1000th next best thing to actually being there, right?
Next up is Lauren who is singing “Where You Lead,” more commonly known as the theme song from the Gilmore Girls. Both Jimmy and Babyface give her heck about being too chickenshizz to try to hit high notes. Lauren is adorable but she is so obviously not ready for the music business. It’s no surprise to fans who read Lauren’s tweets, but she gets a surprise visit from Miley Cyrus. (Her fans are pissed at Jimmy for the comment he made to Lauren a couple weeks ago.) On stage Lauren tries to up her confidence level a bit. She interacts with the be-wigged fembots. She even drags a Random Boy up, which gives new meaning to the word “staged.” Two questions: WTH?? And who keeps dressing Lauren in these unflattering sack dresses? Must be a younger generation thing. Jen is proud of Lauren to the point of tears; Randy says she has extra swagger; ST talks about dartboards or some such. Ryan warns 19-year-old Random Boy to stay away from underage Lauren. Her response: giggle giggle. Because she’s 16!
Because the show is three years long and we only have six contestants left, they are filling the time with duets tonight. First up are Casey and Haley with “I Feel the Earth Move.” Before the song, we see a funny video of them talking about being paired up again. In a subtle way they are addressing the internet rumors of their real life romance. On stage they have excellent chemistry and are evenly matched vocally on the song. It is evident that they are having a blast. Steven totally calls Casey out about his crush on Haley. Don’t even bother to deny it “Weird Beard.” Ryan does everything but the “sitting in a tree” chorus. Is American Idol sponsored in part by eHarmony?
Next to the stage is our hometown boy Scotty who is doing “You’ve Got a Friend.” We are reminded that he was told to pull out the “big guns” last week. Tweeners are okay with lackadaisical but Jimmy wants more. Babyface demonstrates to Scotty how to sing more romantical. Can the teenager pull off an “airy” sound? He starts out so softly and tenderly that I feel like I’m at the altar call after a church revival service. Before we say “amen” and are dismissed, young McCreery kicks it up a notch. He seems very sincere singing about the “taking of souls if you let ‘em.” He is learning about this Hollywood Babylon. It’s actually a very good vocal and a welcome change from Scotty. Randy has been reading the Bible too but uses “turn the other cheek” out of context; ST talks about registers like he really understands them; Jen still likes the storytelling. Then Ryan gets Scotty to sit with him and chat about “The One.” Is that a new reality show on E? Scotty will not be corrupted. Please stop trying, SHOW.
After flashing his guitar pick at us, James gets the sit-down-inside-the-Coke-bubble with Seacrest. They talk about the awesomeness of Scotty because this is a friendly competition. The song “Will You Love Me Tomorrow” was requested on the americanidol.com forum and James is willing to comply. Babyface and Jimmy are impressed with James’ singing with just his guitar. On stage he starts out sans music a’la Bo Bice, and the crowd goes wild. Then he kicks it into high gear, and Jen is bee-bopping in her seat. Yes, we will still love you on results night. His arrogance must be what causes him to change the last lyric to “you better love me tomorrow.” Yikes Durbs. You just threw a bucket of ice cold water on an otherwise solid performance. Steven talks about making out with girls several hundred years ago; Jen was grooving for the first time tonight; Randy can’t shake his “other cheek” catchphrase and pronounces James the winner of season 10, then goes to give him a hug as commanded by Ryan. Can you say JINX?
Both Scotty and Lauren get the sit down treatment to talk about their third duet together. Matchmaker Ryan tries to start something icky between them, but they both insist that it’s all for the stage. Especially Scotty who thinks of Lauren as an annoying little sister. In the video, you can tell that Lauren adores Scotty and he just tolerates her. Ah, youth! Lauren keeps on proving that she is the second coming of Kellie Pickler. Things are better on stage when they sit to sing “Up on the Roof.” As always they sound better separately, and Scotty’s harmonies are so flat that my puppy’s ears are pulling back. Jen pretends that she liked Scotty as much as Lauren but we all know that she outsang his “brains” off.
For some reason, Steven has a little blonde girl sitting in his lap and she is playing with his notes. Ryan awkwardly says hi to “Carole King over here, Carole King’s daughter Sherry.” No more diet coke for you Mr. Host Man, seriously.
Next up is the “Idol from Idyllwild,” our favorite Casey, who is doing a song called “Hi-De-Ho.” I’ve never heard this King-penned Blood Sweat & Tears song. Jimmy warns that this obscure ditty takes 100% personality, which our eccentric dude has in spades. Dressed in a Blues Brothers suit with an ugly brownish tie and sporting a black fedora, Casey tickles keys with the pianist. Then he saunters over to the harmonica player; gives an UHM to the blonde sax player, then shares growls with the rest of the horn section. Before he mosies to the backup singers, he flings the hat into oblivion. “Mama why oh why” he growls to the sax player again. Randy says it’s like the Casey show and revue in the home state of New Orleans. Steven needs Head and Shoulders; Jen wants him to loosen up his legs a little bit; Randy adds “less growl” but he’s already had his turn. I’m glad that he is having a good time with his artistry, but I still nostalgically long for the Casey of Hollywood week when he was just a unique guy with a bass.
Still highly caffeinated (or worse), Ryan embarrasses Penny Marshall in the audience but ignores the other ladies who also look familiar.
The last solo performer tonight is Haley who is doing a song from the Tapestry album called “Beautiful.” In rehearsal Haley and her odd Easter egg headband get a tutorial on singing sweetly from Babyface. There is a tense vibe between Haley and Jimmy; I think she has about had it with him. Before she sings, Ryan and Haley explain that there was almost a monitor malfunction. She’s wearing a dress from the Mod Squad collection, 70s version. I’ve never heard this song before so have no basis for comparison, but she sounds good on the song. It was better in the studio, and I look forward to the iTunes download. Haley is my second favorite singer on the show now, because I am a very fickle fan. I like her because she has grown every week and has steadily gotten better. It’s not the same thing every week and that is admirable. ST talks about “short arms boxing with God” or some such; Jen reluctantly admits that Haley has an amazing voice; to a round of boos Randy says he didn’t like the beginning. Whatever dawg.
The last duet of the evening is … try not to giggle … James and Jacob. They are doing “I’m into Something Good,” but more likely they are into something chemical. (Or maybe whatever Ryan is on tonight.) They are so funny in the video, because they know that they are an odd match. They are going to play on that theme. These two would be HIGH-larious in a sitcom together. On stage, they ham it up for all it’s worth. Their vocals are not that bad, but neither of these guys should ever wear white pants again. Poor J.Lo and her Venus legs get on full display when the two serenade her and spin her chair around. Steven is not amused at these shenanigans and has no sense of humor about “going to church” on the Idol stage. Amen.
Quotes:
Steven: It’s about time you shook your tail feathers.
Ryan: We have rules. Okay, we have rules. Go back to your seat.
Casey: I like growling-singing with her on stage. ON STAGE.
Steven: I don’t want to speak for everybody here, so I will…
Jen: When we hear you sing a song like that, that’s why we couldn’t let you get away with what you did last week.
Ryan: Oy oy oy! A superstar would never let that happen!
Interviewer (to Lauren about Scotty): So how do you guys complement each other? Lauren: He never gives me compliments!
It's recap time of the very long Carole King episode; then Ray Chew, the piano player, gets a shout out. Tomorrow night Bruno Mars and season nine runner up Crystal Bowersox will guest. Hopefully Ryan will be detoxed by then. No more energy drinks for Seacrest. “Halle-lu-yer!”
