There is no Casey here. Our favorite season 10 Idol performer is gone. Sniff. Am trying to stay interested though, because we are in this thing for the long haul. Haven’t invested 16 weeks for nada! Plus I’d like to see what happens to my second favorite, Haley.
My Kid Tru reminds me that SHE liked Haley first, back when I was complaining about her being a Kristy Lee/Scarnato 2.0 contestant. Well, Miss Reinhart proved me very wrong and I look forward to hearing her tonight.
When we open, the singers are already on the stage and the judges are at the table. What was up with that? To save time, I guess. Steven shouts out “Hi Dad” – bejeez, he must be 1000. Jen has “mom hair” and a flower growing out of it. Randy’s there, I think?
Grinning Ryan says that tonight is a very important night. He asks Randy to explain. Oh good, there he is. Whew. Mr. Jackson and his medallion from the Mr. T collection prove they are still relevant by explaining a new drinking game. Every time he says “in it to win it,” take a drink.
The theme tonight is the very broad “Now and Then.” Just like it sounds, the contestants will perform a current song and also one from a few decades ago. In other words: stuff I’ve not heard and stuff I’ve heard a million times.
Jimmy needs assistance in the studio to help mentor the kids. This week it’s none other than former Idol basher Sheryl Crow. I have no hateration towards the lovely Grammy-winning singer-songwriter, but she had some really harsh things to say about the show a few years ago. Perceptions change though. Or perhaps there are bills to pay.
At any rate, there are many songs from Sheryl that I enjoy and will be humming along to them (if only in my mind) as we progress through the evening. Heck, we’ll even make it a different game. Name the Song to Match the Sheryl Crow Lyric. Let’s go…
“And I’m calling Buddy on the Ouija board.”
First up is James and he has a very special song in mind. It’s called “Closer to the Edge” by 30 Seconds to Mars, to which both My Kid Tru and I say who? It’s puzzling that even she doesn’t know, because she is my encyclopedia of knowledge when it comes to music. Wikipedia says that this band is fronted by that actor who played in the show with Claire Danes – you know the one – My So-Called Life. Tru says no, this was before her birth or thereabouts. All of this research is necessary to distract us from the very awful noises coming from the Durbs. He is not sounding on key at all and I am disturbed for him and his lopsided hairdo. He sounded a lot better in the studio singing with Sheryl. Oddly, the judges love it and his showmanship. That must have sounded different in the Idoldome. Ryan uses the British slang “Full Monty” phrase in a way that we yanks will misinterpret. Ah, Seacrest.
“Found Geronimo’s rifle, Marilyn’s shampoo, and Benny Goodman’s corset and pen.”
Next up is Jacob who gets a chat stool sit down with Ryan. Our Brother Lusk talks about being an underdog which hello, that would be Haley, but thanks. For his “now” song, Jacob is going to sing both parts of the Jordin Sparks song “No Air.” The one she did with that beater guy before it was public that he was a beating beater who beats. Anyway. Jacob is thrilled that the original writer will be working with him but it doesn’t really help. He is one wholly (not holy) mess on this ditty from the season six Idol winner. The jacket from the Carlton Banks of Bel Air Collection is an eyesore as well as his gross thrusty dance moves. But wait! The judges think he is awesome! What are they smoking? Jen and Randy almost come to blows; she needs to STHU and let him get a sentence out. We might get to take another drink which we need right now.
“I’ve never been there but the brochure looks nice.”
Of course Lauren is doing a Carrie Underwood song. Of course she is. Carrie is very “now” and another previous Idol winner, so they must have their own theme going. It used to bother me when current contestants covered songs made famous by past winners, but it happens so often that I am used to it by now. I haven’t heard this one, called “Flat on the Floor.” Sheryl and Jimmy try to encourage her to just shut up and sing so she won’t run out of breath. Little Lauren sings the heck out of the season four winner’s ditty, that is for sure. She can’t help but move around though; she’s a natural performer. Not sure about the outfit though, so naturally Tru likes it. The cute fiddle player is back. The judges think Lauren did great and this is the direction that she should take when she either A) wins or B) becomes a runner up. Either way, I don’t think this gal is going to fade into oblivion.
“I don’t have digital. I don’t have diddly squat.”
Before his performance, poor Scotty is made to stand in the audience with some 'tweeners. He seems like such a great kid. Back in the days when I listened to country, I would have known this duo called Montgomery Gentry. Scotty is doing their song called “Gone.” Sheryl and Jimmy think it will be unlike anything he has done before, to which we say pfffft. Scotty gets the blonde fembots doing backup, and he proves that he is not a high school athlete for nothing. He can jump like an Olympic pole vaulter. The judges are over the moon for the crazy-eyed teenager. Jen is jumping up and down. ST likes that Scotty was “dancing with the devil,” but Randy’s not so sure. The country ditty sounds like one of those 60 MPH tunes that are trolled out at karaoke parties all the time. Not saying the “K word” applies to Scotty, because that would be as sacrilegious as Lady Gaga’s latest music video.
“Fueling up on heartaches and cheap wine.”
Speaking of Gaga and sacrilege… Haley is doing an unreleased Gagme song. Gasp! She explains this for a million years while on the chat stools with Ryan. I don’t recall anyone ever doing this on the show before. That must be the point. The show runners DO NOT want Haley to win. Why, we don’t know. But this is BS. Haley sounds great on this song heard only by those unwashed masses who have attended Gaga’s concerts. (Can you imagine Gagme live? I bet it smells bad. Meat dresses and whatnot. Blech.) Tonight we have no basis of comparison, but Haley’s great and the judges are full of assery. They are so lame to blame Haley for doing a song that she was pretty much force fed. Haley already explained that she even had the G’s blessing so she is over them. I don’t blame her! They give her a beat down on doing an obscure song, when earlier they praised James for doing the same thing.
“I have a face I cannot show. I make the rules up as I go.”
So we are finished with the fun-filled songs of Today. Now we go back to the era before auto-tuning and eating bats, to another generation. James will be doing one of my favorite Heart songs – “Without You.” Yes I realize that Heart was not the originator, but they do my favorite version. James is no Ann Wilson; heck he is not even a Carly Smithson. I think I will go to YouTube and watch her take on this instead. We are over James being the token cry baby, and so are Sheryl and Jimmy in the studio. I want to like him because he has a good voice, but he is buying too much of his own hype. Although I respect that he misses his fiancée and little boy, this is the price you pay for fame. At least he is mostly in tune on this one, unlike the Jared Leto song earlier. The judges … I just don’t care anymore what they think. Everybody seems to love tears, but Durbs needs to save them for the finale.
“I woke up and called this morning. The tone of your voice was a warning, that you don’t care for me anymore.”
Church-going Jacob is not thrilled at doing a rock song. No siree! Who is this Nazareth that Jimmy is trying to sell to him? Tru is so irritated that the Lusky Stank has outlasted so many others that we like better that she won’t even stay in the room during his performance. We need some Orville popped anyway, so now is a good time. In the studio, they talk him into doing “Love Hurts” and it starts out okay. Sheryl did some good coaching there. But then on stage he stirs the pot, kicks it over, does Hail Marys on it and there is just holleration up in the Idoldome. My puppy is in front of the television, growling like there is something wrong. The worthless trio are all over that shizz. Randy and Jacob are wearing the same jacket. Jackson compares Lusk's high note to Mariah Carey, maybe because that was the sound she made recently while giving birth to twins?
“You gotta talk to the One who made you.”
Even though she has already sung this song on the show 14 times, Lauren is doing “Unchained Melody” for her “then” selection. It’s the song of her parents and Ghost, that’s why. So don’t question it! It is also another one of my favorite Heart remakes. Jimmy is still concerned that she is going to hold back on the highest of high notes. Lauren is pretty and is wearing a prom dress from the 70s, and her voice is lovely. While the teenage country crooner is not my favorite singer this year, I like her rendition of this song. Lauren has grown a lot during this competition, from the flip-flop shod 15-year-old that we saw in the Nashville audition to the polished performer today. She is still too immature emotionally to handle the stress of the music business though. The judges don’t have anything to say because they have poured all of their comments into singers less engaging than Lauren. Asshats. Seriously?
“This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either. This is LA!”
Our hometown boy Scotty is going to slow things down with the Elvis tune “Always on My Mind.” Or was it Willie Nelson? Who knows, it’s been covered at least eighty katrillion times. Wikipedia says that the original recording was by Brenda Lee. Tru says that she likes the way Fantasia did it back in her day on American Idol. All of Tru’s friends are rooting for the local teenager. Yesterday while in Garner, we rode by a KFC that had on their billboard “Scotty McCreery is soooo good.” I remind Tru that if he makes top three, then he will get to come back here for a hometown visit. (I might take a vacation day so we can go!) Tonight Scotty is cute and sweet and boring enough to grant us a short nap. When we wake up we learn that he sang it well. Judges love him. Whatever. Ryan introduces Scotty’s grandma in the audience, the one who is Puerto Rican. She is adorable as grandmas usually are.
“Now I’m reading romance novels and I’m dreaming of yesterday.”
So far this evening Haley is the only person to really get put down by the judges. She got a beating for doing that great unknown Gaga song, but she is back and she is going to kick some butt on her “then” performance. She’s doing the old song about a brothel called “House of the Rising Sun.” Jimmy and Sheryl both believe that she is going to have a moment with this one. But you know what. Haley don’t care anymore. YOU GO GIRL! She is awesome and completely proves that she deserves to be on that stage. I will be downloading the iTunes version of this before the credits roll. As the judges compliment her in a thousand different ways, she just flips her hair and smiles fakely at them. I don’t blame her at all. Unfortunately, America won’t vote for contestants who show even the slightest bit of attitude but even if this is her last night, she owned it.
Quotes:
Steven: You kicked that song’s ass.
Ryan: And that concludes this episode of Battle of the Network Stars.
Jennifer: I don’t know if you came out a little angry at us from before…
Recap time proves that the last song from Haley did indeed rule the night. We shall see tomorrow. Judges, not so much. I am annoyed at the ghastly trio right now but am not completely ready to write them off yet. Guest stars on the results show will be country group Lady Antebellum and our very own “Venus goddess” J.Lo. As Steven Tyler said one thousand times tonight, “That’s a beautiful thing.”
