In stark black and white, we are reminded that NOW IS THE TIME. The final five did a mixture of contemporary and classic, a.k.a. “now and then.”
Last night, James was closer to the edge without you, Jacob learned that love hurts with no air, Lauren laid an unchained melody flat on the floor, Scotty was always gone in his mind, Haley took you and I to the house of the rising sun.
The judges get to make their big arrivals. Ho hum. Still annoyed at how they dissed Haley six ways from Sunday for no good reason.
Ryan says that 60 million votes came in to whittle our way to the final four. Full of innuendos, he plugs Steven Tyler’s new autobiography. He also reminds us that J.Lo will be pretending to be doing a live show tonight when we all know that shizz is pre-recorded. Poor Randy and his teal jacket have nothing to promote.
Group performance is to the Turtles “Happy Together.” They are a hot crazy mess. David Cook did a fine version of this back in his very good day, so let’s go listen to that one instead, shall we? Or the “I like turtles” boy on YouTube. Anything but our top five when they are this howling-dog bad.
Ryan is plugging season 11 already. “Take one day to change your life.” Okay I will get right on that. For the Ford music video, they sing “Be Yourself,” and the five do magic tricks. The coolest is when Haley parks a car with the power of her mind. Hey, we saw Brennan do this for real on Bones last week.
For a tasteless time waster, they have brought in that horrible cooking show guy. Apparently, the British terror has a zillion shows on Fox. The singers are cooking omelets which don’t look appetizing at all. Lauren explains that her omelet has eggs in it. (Hello Kellie how we’ve missed you. Not.) By the end of part one of this segment, only Lauren and Jacob have created edible eggs.
Next up is Grammy-winning group Lady Antebellum who perform their brand new song “Just a Kiss.” The lead gal is brunette now and looks totally different than in the “Need You Now” video. Tru says the lead guy is hot; he looks like Ryan Gosling. The poor piano player guy is like the Randy of this trio - just kinda there, nobody really cares. The song is okay; if you like country-pop, it’s probably awesome. They will sell a crazillion copies by tomorrow morning, hence the reason for making this appearance.
Usually I enjoy the interviews with the contestants because it gives us an opportunity to learn more about them. This next segment is not even subtly disguised as a bing commercial. Don’t they use this same ploy on The Soup? Sorry bing, but you are no google. At least the segment is amusing as we see them drawing names of songs out of hats and then wearing those hats. They exchange other crazy articles of clothing and blame the stylists for everything that looks bad.
Finally, some results time. James is up first. Like last week, Jimmy gets to have his say. He gives Durbin an 8 because he didn’t keep his tears in control. As always when it’s five people, Ryan starts two groups; James is the beginning of the first one.
Complete with weird unplanned sound effects, Lauren stands next. Jimmy criticizes her for holding back on the high note and not going all unchained. Such a douche for saying that. Lauren and her very pretty up-do start the second group on the stage.
We are back with more of that silly British cooking guy and his shenanigans with the final five. Jacob and Lauren have to do a blindfolded taste test and it’s just stupid. Didn’t Pickler do this back in her day? What the heck is tofu made of anyway? Oh yeah, hot dogs. Lauren wins the cooking challenge. Score one for southern girls.
Now we get to pretend along with Ryan and everyone else that our very own La Lopez is going to be performing live in front of our eyes. It’s so silly to keep up this pretense when there are at least a thousand bloggers who do “behind the scenes” recaps of what it’s like in the Idoldome. We are expected to play along. So okay, it’s live, y’all. Grab some popcorn like Ryan and the guys.
Jen and eleventy hundred backup dancers writhe and jiggle to “On the Floor.” That bald Pitbull guy is there too. This song is a bonafide hit. “Thank you American Idol,” says Jennifer’s singing career. As silly dance ditties go, it’s … well still terrible. Jen is very pretty though. People magazine agrees.
More results… Jacob caterwauled his way through both his Now and Then; Jimmy was not amused. Jacob joins Lauren, and she immediately gets nervous.
Haley is next and gets slapped around again about the Gaga song. Jimmy was pissed that the judges beat her down over his idea. Good going Iovine! He gives her a 10 and reminds us that she won the night. Haley joins James on the stage.
Scotty is the last one to stand up. Last night he was fast then slow and Jimmy likes him. Ryan admits that last week he was NOT in the bottom two. (Called that!) Five bucks says that Ryan will ask him to choose which group, and ten bucks says that Scotty will refuse. I win and I win. Seacrest pushes him to the James and Haley side; these three are safe.
This leaves a sobbing Lauren and subdued Jacob as the bottom two. Bejeez, that was probably a long awkward commercial break for these two. Kieran dims the lights. Jacob is the one going home and Lauren gets a big hug from Scotty.
Jacob reminds everyone that he is the Baby Luther in a lavender shirt. He appeals to everyone, he says. As David Cook sings, we see his montage of “divine intervention” and gospel-tinged excitement. Since it’s his swan song, he doesn’t have to hold back anymore, so he pulls out the Lusky Stank on “A House is Not a Home.” The other four hug him and he just keeps going. He’s like the Energizer bunny and Will. Not. Stop. Hollering.
Quotes:
Scotty: I love Jesus!
Ryan: Is there any area that you haven’t touched?
Haley: “Thong Song.”
Lauren: Our stylist wants to kill me. Big time!
So we are down to two country teenagers, a rocker, and a bluesy chick. As much as I have grown to like Haley, I predict the final three will be Scotty, James and Lauren, with the boys being the top two. But I have been wrong before. Or as my kid says every single time. Truth!
