American Idol from Jacksonville – Take a “Journey” to Florida, Dawg!

Happy American Idol night from Aunt Pearl’s house! My Kid and Hubby will have to help me with the recap for tonight, as I am sick with pneumonia and highly medicated (pardon the pun.)

For our entertainment, Simon and Ryan fake-bicker in the backseat of a limo. Their agents should look into getting them a sitcom when AI is over.

Oh, but sunny Jacksonville, Florida looks wonderful doesn’t it? **SIGH** Technically, they are on Amelia Island, but close enough.

For those who did not know, Randy Jackson played guitar for the band Journey back in the day. Not sure why the shout-out to Randy, since he’s from Baton Rouge not Jacksonville. My Kid says it’s because of the name of the city, which okay. Duh.

Is it my meds or did Simon and Randy switch places at the judges’ table? My world is all askew now!

No time to ponder because our first auditioner is Justin Guarini look-a-like Joshua. His future’s so bright he has to wear shades. Indoors. (Irksome.) He sings a Marvin Gaye song and it would be good if he left out the farting noise sound effects. No need to spin a Blake Lewis Part Two. My Kid likes it (of course) because she was a huge Blake fan. Mysteriously, Justin, er Joshua makes it through to Hollywood.

Next up is a very pretty gal named Sharon who brings her doggie. Awwww. I love little lap dogs like this. Simon does too, which is weird. Watching him hold a dog is like watching House hold Cuddy’s baby last night. Anyways, back to tonight’s TV – Sharon sings the old Carpenter’s song “Superstar” but does it in the annoying way of Bratney Smears. Kara points that out to her but it doesn’t really matter. Between the dog and her good looks, she’s a shoe-in for the next round. But dang, Paula and Kara - we could have done without the fake lesbianics.

Ryan gets to drive a golf cart and gets lost in the woods, but not in a good Oceanic 815 way. City boy. He would be better off to stay lost and not be subjected to the next very bad Chaka Khan impersonator. We don’t “feel for you,” sorry.

Teenager Kaneswa seems to be a very sweet, likable girl. Her mom tells Ryan that she’s been singing all of her life. Unfortunately, the song she sings is way off key and a mess. Simon is nice to Kaneswa and even has her mom come in so he can tell them both that she is just not a good singer. They need to face reality and take up paper-mâché or rock climbing or something.

Next up is a self-assured beauty queen named Julissa who looks like she could be Tyra’s younger sister. Julissa goes from Hispanic accent to ghetto-speak in like, half a second. She says she’s doing Whitney (Red Flag Alert!) She sings the song and sounds pretty good, but then things get kinda weird. For no apparent reason, Paula does a pouty walk out. I wonder if she thinks they are still filming Hey Paula? Somehow the beauty queen brings Paula back and the judges vote her through to Hollywood. That girl’s “fierce!”

Quick flash to the waiting room, where we see emos, Zac Efrons, and goofy folks who probably text while driving.

An adorable girly-guy named Darin is shown making friends with all of them. He’s a charmer that’s for sure. His cookie quickly crumbles when his BFF fails his audition, so when it’s his turn, Darin is awful. He massacres a Boyz II Men song and he’s all kinds of depressed now. Hormones can cause those extremely high/low mood swings, so I feel for the guy.

Cute blonde giggly Naomi is next and she seems very confident that she can bring it. But first she wants her friend to come in and meet Randy. This night has surely been dedicated to Mr. Jackson. This audition oddly turns into flash dating: Randy has the friend in his lap, Paula gets in Simon’s, and Ryan sits in Kara’s lap. Then our brains begin to seizure when Naomi sings that Minnie Ripperton song. Make it stop! Then Simon makes her cry, she gets hugs, and they send her back to the short bus.

Day two: First up is another teenager and we have high hopes for this one. Her name is Jasmine and she is the baby of her family. Her mom and sisters are with her and they are all equally beautiful. Jasmine sings “Big Girls Don’t Cry” and sounds good but sadly does not have Peter Petrelli there to lean on. (That Fergie video is hot.) Simon pronounces Jasmine “commercial,” which is not always a good thing. She deservedly makes it through; could she be this year’s Paris Bennett?

Next up is a guy named George. My Kid says that she did not realize that Amish people could try out for American Idol. My Hubby thinks she is serious and reminds her that he met lots of Amish people when he drove an 18-wheeler all over this great nation, and that George is not Amish. She reminds him that she was using her sarcastic voice. I concentrate on their conversation to avoid paying attention to George’s crazy eyes and horrible voice, and then thankfully it’s over and he is gone.

To make us jealous, we see shots of the beach and Baywatch bods and we all want to go on vacation now.

A pretty young lady named Ann Marie is next and she gushes all over Kara. Paula seems to be uncomfortable about this and we expect another walk out from her. Strangely, it’s Ann Marie who has to walk out – although she sings part of a Kara-penned song very well, the judges instruct her to leave, go “find her true self” and then come back as a “different person.” I smell STUNT, don’t you?

In the meantime, we have T.K. Hash, which sounds like the name of a department store. Two of the judges recognize him from last year (guess which two.) T.K. is very attractive but makes the mistake of doing “Imagine” with lots of runs. Archie fans all over the world are cringing, not to mention die-hard Lennon aficionados. If he’d chosen a different song it would have been better. All but Simon give him a second chance at Hollywood.

My Kid likes the next guy, Michael, because he is a teenage boy with a scarf. He’s a cross between Sanjaya and Noriega with a bit of guitar-playing Castro thrown in for good measure. Michael, bless his heart, is such a drama queen and his family members act as enablers. He sings a Third Eye Blind song and although he’s not terrible, he’s not good enough for the show. To avoid a repeat of a Josiah Leming meltdown like last year, he does not get voted through. When Michael totally disses his mom, My Kid changes her mind about him. That was SO not right.

Ann Marie gets some make-up, a hair fluff and a new ‘tude and comes back before the judges. She has a beautiful voice even on that annoying toes/nose song. I don’t know why they are giving this lovely, talented girl such a hard time. Finally they tell her that she’s made it to the next round. Funny how changing shoes can make a difference with your singing.

A montage of “Walking on Sunshine,” appropriate for sunny Florida, is shown next by a variety of fair to middling to poor singers.

It’s hard to believe that just-like-that the Jacksonville auditions are over. No real stand-outs other than that last 2nd chance girl. Not even any sob stories. I feel like I’ve been Keyser Söze’d.

Random pet peeve: if they would leave out the “Coming Up” segments, we could get at least five more minutes of airtime. The better to show some more of the good contestants who actually made it through to Hollywood, right?

Tonight’s Memorable Quotes:
Ryan: “I’m gonna take care of your friends. We’re gonna serve them drinks; we’ll be giving them potstickers …”

Simon: “You compare yourself to Mariah Carey… so you’re a talented looney?”

Kara: “My job isn’t done here until Simon TRIES something on me.”

My Kid: “That Ryan is one hot little package of metro.”

Tomorrow night it’s auditions from Salt Lake City, a.k.a Archuletaville. Hopefully we will see more clips of little David.

Until then, it’s more bed rest for me, with Kid and Hubby waiting on me hand and foot. Ah, the silver linings we find…