American Idol from New York City and San Juan – It’s Like “West Side Story” on Acid

As we used to say back in my tobacco farming days, “We’re in the short rows now.” Thank goodness the initial audition phase is almost over. The last two locations are shown together tonight – New York and San Juan.

Voiceover Ryan says it’s a tale of two cities tonight, from The Big Apple to The Walled City. One metropolis, one land of enchantment. One has thousands of auditioners and the other only hundreds.

Instead of showing first one location and then the other, the auditions are sliced together just to confuse us. You can tell from the backdrop where they are – the river for New York and palm trees for San Juan.

First up in NY is a cute little gal named Adeola who has already quit her day job because she just knows she’s going to Hollywood. We have been down this road before and it usually doesn’t end well. She sings the “I’m-not-going” song that put Jennifer Hudson on the map and it’s bad. Just like the last time this happened, Simon makes a call to the boss to get the disillusioned girl her job back.

The judges are dressed more colorfully and cheerfully in San Juan. Well, three out of four are anyway. The first auditioner we see is handsome, energetic Jorge. He sings “My Way” in Spanish and a few lines of “What a Wonderful World” in English. Simon is not concerned that Jorge sings with an accent because that is why they are in Puerto Rico, duh. Jorge is going to Hollywood.

Jessika has brought her fan club from the previous 700 contests she’s been in before. They show a picture of her as a toddler and My Kid says she looks like Boo from Monsters, Inc. Jessika is cute but no one should hold up their own sign and cheer for themselves. She breaks cardinal rule numero uno by auditioning with a Celine song. Although she’s not nearly as bad as the judges claim, she acts like a teenager arguing with her parents. No car keys for you.

The Linda Ronstadt classic “You’re No Good” plays in the background as Jessika as well as several others argue to the camera that the judges are stupid, wrong, lame, and they won’t let us stay up late. Hmmph!

Back in NY we spend a whole lot of time talking to Melinda who has a beautiful face but no shoes, almost no hair and almost no dress. When she talks about dancing naked we all throw up a little. Foreshadowing a train wreck here. Melinda has a surprisingly good voice and impresses the judges. Kara calls her a “vitamin boost” and My Kid says that the chick’s boobs could use a boost, too. Melinda is going to (Fredericks of) Hollywood.

Manhattan is a party haven and we get to see Ryan dance with a guy in a Nikki Sixx costume. This is one of those awesome moments that keeps me fanatic enough about this show to actually blog about it.

Jackie tells us that she is a seasoned pro already and has done nothing but entertain people her entire life. She sings “I’m Yours” the way that Stevie Nicks would sing it after smoking a carton of cigarettes. It’s kinda rough but Simon wants to hear more. Jackie sings a different song and sounds better. Suddenly, God intervenes by blowing enough wind to make the sunshade behind the judges fall down. Consider this a sign, y’all. They vote Jackie through to the next round and encourage her to be herself.

Just a rant if I may because I am still in recovery/isolation from my illness this week. The “Coming Up” segments really annoy me; they totally ruin the suspense. Thank goodness for DVR because I can fast forward through the parts of the show that I don’t want to see yet. For example, we have already seen that window fall on the previews, like 873 times. Bugs me. (End rant.)

Back to San Juan and they have let folks out of the nervous hospital to come audition for American Idol. Chatter on the ‘net says that not a lot of people showed up in Puerto Rico so maybe that was their only option. At least I get to hear the Chris Isaak song that I love while all this craziness ensues. “Nobody loves no one” indeed.

A self-proclaimed Crazy Rocker sing/screams at street vendors while playing his guitar. My Kid thinks this is hilarious and that he is so cute. Kids today! When Joel comes before the judges as GuyPod, they are not impressed. He can’t sing so maybe he will now go audition for the Spanish version of Jackass.

In NY, our Last Comic Standing wannabe is Norman and his shiny disco shirt. Simon is actually ready to rip the guy a new one because this is NOT the show created by Jay Mohr. It’s a singing competition, dude. Norman pretends to be serious on the Dreamgirls song. The other three judges inexplicably let him through after he sings “Amazing Grace.” Oh well, that song worked for Kristy Lee Cook last year.

We are still groaning over Norman’s waste of a plane ticket to the left coast and almost miss the next batch of good singers who made it through. It would have been nice to see more of lovely Ashley, teen heartthrob Kenny and gorgeous Kendall. (Speaking of Kendall, I’ll be so glad when she wakes up from her coma on All My Children. Yes, I’ve been stranded at home too long.)

So many commercials, so many previews, so little DVR space left. My Kid and I can not WAIT for the new show from Joss Whedon to start!! FOX, please give Dollhouse more than five minutes before canceling it, we beg you.

When we get back to Idol, it’s the rejects turn to “shine” like one guy’s bright red hair. It’s bright enough to lead ships into the harbor. Evidently, New York has mental health release day for this show.

Back in SJ, teenage Monique has long curly hair, a bright red dress and an adorable kid brother. Christopher is her biggest fan and he makes friends with all the judges. Monique sings an old Supremes song and has a lovely voice. We love this girl and her brother and the seashell and I have tears now. The judges hem haw around and I am ready to throw my laptop at the television. They put shiny-shirted Norman the clown through but not this talented girl? Fortunately Simon’s vote counts as tiebreaker and Monique is going to Hollywood.

In New York, Glitter Girl from last season is back. Although she is simply Alexis this year and looks somewhat normal. Amazing how she has actually established a fan base. Only in America (and U.S. territories.) This year she sings Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” and it is terrible. She shoots them the bird and calls Simon a bleep-hole but in a very ladylike way. Now she’s going back under the rock from which she came.

Back to San Juan. Thank goodness it’s almost over because I’m getting whiplash. Patricia is a lovely girl with nice parents who got married right there in the audition house, where grandma got drunk. Unfortunately she tries to do “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” which is hard to do a cappella. They give her another chance and she scores with a Spanish ballad. Patricia gets a golden ticket.

Since that Whitney song is already stuck in our heads, they play the real version while everyone in San Juan dances in the waiting room. The judges join the party, and Randy “dances like there’s no tomorrow.” (Well, at least the Whitney song is out of my head now.)

Only nine folks from San Juan made it to Hollywood. We find out that 26 people from New York made it and we got Norman and Glitter Girl Redux. This show, man. It’s as confusing as Paula’s fuchsia shirt/orange scarf combo. Fuhgettaboutit!

Tonight’s quotes:
Randy (to Jorge): “Yes! Be who you are, be Puerto Rican, yes!”

GuyPod: “Yay! Yeah! I got a no! I got a no!”

Kara (to Norman): “You don’t have a shot in hell, but like… thank you.”

Ryan (to Christopher about his sister Monique): “The good news is…”
Christopher: “I helped her.”

Next week we finally mercifully get to Hollywood. Those TNT folks aren’t the only ones who know drama. “Take it! Take it, take it, take it!”