American Idol from Phoenix – How the West was (Not) Won

American Idol time is here again folks! I have been counting down the hours since 0700 this a.m.!

So I suppose I should do that “disclaimer” thing that I did last year… you know, where I say “these opinions are mine and only mine and if you don’t agree, tuff dooky and don’t send me hate mail.” Nah, not gonna… there’s a link to it already, over to the right. Same story, different season.

Now begins our eighth year… There’s a montage of seasons past, then an ethereal shot of Ryan at the Grand Canyon. The burning questions for the new year include: Will the addition of Kara interrupt the flow at the judge’s table? Will the trainwreck-like contestants be fooled AGAIN, even after seven years? Will we actually get to see more of the good singers? How many times will Simon roll his eyes? And most importantly, will they use a picture of “before-or-after makeover” David Cook for the American Idol Wall of Previous Winners?

Here’s how it all went down in Phoenix, home of Jordin Sparks:

Introducing Kara DioGuardi
As soon as they show Kara on screen, My Hubby says “Dang!” This is man-speak for “She is a very attractive young lady.” She seems to fit right in and holds her own with the others. I believe that she will be a welcome (and coherent) addition to the show once she loses the “no one knows my name” attitude.

You Have GOT to be Kidding
Note to Whiner Randy: Your Axl Rose Halloween costume plus crocodile tears will not get you any respect when you go back to your cubicle job.

Hey X-Ray: DeBarge called and they want their look back. And tomorrow? Take the whole pill, okay?

Bikini Girl – okay, let’s face it – she’s a skank and that’s why the guy judges put her through to the next round. Too bad she missed the casting call for the new reality series “True Beauty,” the Ashton/Tyra show where gorgeous but very vain people are set up to be mocked and scorned. She would be a perfect fit for that hot mess.

“Omigod It’s Coming Toward Me!”
Tuan has Chris Sligh Hair Times Ten but he’s got moves we ain’t seen since Michael Jackson’s heyday. And we don’t ever want to see them again.

Some sweaty guy sounds like Britney on the john when he sings. Dear Producers: really now? And then you fed him a banana?

What did Bon Jovi ever do to deserve “Wanted Dead or Alive” trashed so heartlessly by a hodgepodge of bad, badder, and badness? Didn’t Jon even do time as a guest coach a couple years back? Show some love!

Totally Should’ve Known Better
Grungy Emo dude makes “Mad World” sound like nails on a chalkboard.

Daddy-Sang-Bass but my gosh, even Mufasa never sounded this deep-voiced. At least Paula recommends a career in voiceover work, which is reasonable.

Poor Eric. He should have hired a tattoo artist that can spell better. “Sexual Chacolate?”

Casting Call for “Bring it On 5”
Teenager Arianna has the sweetest story of the evening with her “Adopt a Grand-friend” program. She is cute, has a decent voice, and the judges put her through to Hollywood. The adorableness factor is over the top but leaning way more towards the good.

Lea Marie looks like a teenage hooker in her pink cowgirl outfit. She likes Kara, sings okay but she’s told she’s not ready. She threatens to come back next year.

Little curly-haired Brianna is delightful with a sparkling personality. Even after blowing two audition songs, she is inexplicably put through by Paula and Simon.

Teeny Tiny Cody is (brace yourself) a maker of horror movies! I can’t make this stuff up! He is also a blend of Sanjaya and Noriega with a pretty good voice; he makes it to Hollywood.

Good but Most Likely Cannon Fodder
Young J.B. has a great voice but he’s somewhat cookie-cutter on the Ruben song.

Big Tall Oil Rig Worker Michael has the country twang and “likability factor,” but he’s not that memorable.

Simon’s not fond of the Clay-like Alex, who is out of the closet (but not THAT way, perv!) The other judges overrule the Brit and let the poor boy through.

Hooray for Hollywood – the Best of Phoenix
Our first rocker this year is a female named Emily. She looks like a heavily tattooed Drew Barrymore. Lip rings are gross, but she has a great voice and does Heart proud with “Barracuda.”

Write this name down in pen – Stevie Wright. Although named for Stevie Nicks, she sings “At Last” and does a fantastic job. Simon teases her about being too nice (Brooke White anyone?) so she socks him in the jaw. Just kidding, but that would have been funny.

Southern blonde Deanna reminds me so much of Kellie that I expect her to say “Pick Pickler!” However, she is an awesome surprise and has a unique sound on the old “Sitting on the Dock of the Bay.”

Our heartstrings are pulled with Scott, a talented singer and piano player who is almost totally blind. Even Simon is moved by his story. Scott is My Kid’s favorite of the evening.

Only Obsessed Freaks Like Me Would Catch This
Elliott Yamin’s late mother was shown in the opening montage (awwww!)

The shot of David Cook used in the intro is from the night of the Final Two.

Paula was giving Simon the middle finger early on; you could see the “blur-vision” on her hand.

The Powers That Be Strike Again
They showed that youtube video of the little gals losing their shee-yat over Archie’s loss to Cook last May. (Sorry girls, but it was Cougars: 1 and Tweeners: 0.)

Proof that the Producers Loathe Ryan
That awful Katy Perry song “I Kissed a Girl” was playing in the background when Bikini Skank was frenching Ryan. Low blow much?

Most Memorable Quote of the Evening
Katrina (to Kara): “But your demonstration wasn’t any better.”

Tomorrow night will be auditions from Kansas City. Expect many David Cook references, since that is where he had his hometown visit last year. Maybe they still have the banner from the parade.

'Til the morrow!