Well, alrighty then. Aunt Pearl is back in the house y’all. Even better, I have My Kid, a.k.a. “sidekick extraordinaire” to provide running commentary that I will plagiarize right on into this blog. Actually, she’s not really a “kid” anymore but a grown-up young lady. So heretoafter she will be known on the blog by her nickname Tru. (The same Disclaimers apply from years past.)
It feels rather odd revving up to watch American Idol for the first time in almost two years. Back when I “broke up” with AI, I made the analogy that the show was like an abusive boyfriend that had hit me one too many dang times! Well, call me Rihanna because I “like the way it hurts” and “love the way you lie,” American Idol!
Pundits are calling season 10 a “kinder gentler” Idol, which is one of the reasons that I think I will enjoy this season. Nigel is back as a producer, wee Ryan is still hosting, and Randy is still here to “Whut up Dawg” us because some stability is necessary. While Simon and Paula will be missed by some, they have their own new gigs now. Simon will be heading up X Factor which will start in the fall, and Paula is in charge of Live to Dance which is airing now.
As for tonight … first up – a flashy montage of the replacement of the Idol judges… for anyone who was living in a cave last year when the announcement was made, they are reliving the experience in a big way tonight. A trim and stylish Randy Jackson is back. Captain Jack Sparrow’s great-grandfather Steven Tyler will be replacing Simon. And Jennifer (From the Block) Lopez will be the token female judge. She is my favorite already because I really like J.Lo. While she’s a mediocre singer/actress at best, she was really nice to the contestants back in season 6 when she was the mentor/coach for Latin week.
Voiceover Ryan narrates about the new Judgery while the newbies compete for who has the best Pantene hairdo. I can tell five minutes into this thing that Steven is a hoot with a capital H.O.O.T. Jen seems genuinely interested as well, and this is her chance to make up for all of her movies except maybe the one with George Clooney (that one was hot.) Randy is actually using full sentences, for realz man! Then they are playing a song by the Dandy Warhols that was used in Buffy, and I am in SO MUCH love with this show again! And we haven’t even seen any contestants yet!
In addition to our Judge/Host lineup, a behind the scenes guy named Jimmy Someone will be on hand to provide much needed behind the scenes-ery type info. Evidently he has guided the careers of everyone from U2 to the Bride of Frankenstein… er I mean Lady Gagme… er Gaga. So points for diversity.
Audition state numero uno is New Jersey, probably because there are approximately 877 reality shows set in NJ right now. Constantin McGreasy from the season of Bo that Carrie won is on hand to introduce Ryan. In the audition room, THEY ALL START SOMEWHERE is written on the wall mural next to the singing silhouettes.
The first gal up is Rachel and she has been through this rodeo before, back in season six. Opera Girl. I remember her, but more importantly, so does Jennifer. Tru and I think she looks like the actress from that awesome Michael J. Fox movie The Frighteners. It’s good to see that the wild curly 80s hair is making a comeback. It takes a while for Rachel to reminiscence and whatnot, but finally she sings “Hallelujah” and it’s okay. She has a very non-generic sound which is a plus and makes it through to Hollywood again.
Next up is a guy who looks like he just got out of bed and straight from his mom’s basement. Of course My Kid (sorry, Tru) pronounces him as hot. But! He starts singing and he’s so good that Steven Tyler (ST from here on out) joins in on background vocals/ sound effects. So much awesome is had by all and this guy Caleb can now go buy a hairbrush to take to H’wood.
So they lowered the age to 15. Darnit. I have always had an aversion to the children on this show because my heart broke for them when they were criticized harshly. This teenager named Kenzie (which a good name right off the bat) has a fabulous voice, beautiful smile and humility about her that is appealing. Evidently, she is not showing enough flesh to excite the guy judges, but Jen loves her so she makes it through.
I have to ignore the Katy Perry tune playing in the background because her songs just annoy me, but it looks like several more folks make it through to Hollywood. Then – a pretty black lady from the Ivory Coast sings a horrid version of a Madonna song and the new judges have to face the fact that sometimes they have to say no. If Simon was here he would say “appalling” or make analogies about nails on a chalkboard or cats falling off buildings. This new crew tries to let her down easy though, which is a nice change of pace.
Okay, so yes I am naïve. But these newbie judges have got to know that part of the “drama” of the show is the appearance of the trainwrecky contestants. They didn’t fall off the proverbial turnip truck yesterday. Especially ST cuz he is like a thousand. A weirdly sexy thousand, but still.
Next we are subjected to fist pumps, orange tans and other Jerseyisms. I am proud to say that the only thing I know about any of the NJ reality shows I learned from The Soup. (Joel McHale, we love you very much.) A Jersey native who is only half as pretty as she thinks she is demonstrates the real way to be a guidette and this gives all of us Halloween costume ideas for next year. So there is value-add in this talk. Jersey Girl talks about J.Lo in the Selena movie and after tears, hugs, high fives gone wrong, etc. she finally sings and WOW. This chick named Tiffany can really sing; her voice is perfection. Tru and I are annoyed now because we wanted her to just go find Snooki and chillax. The judges tell Tiffany to not be the next Tatiana del Toro and just sing, ‘kay?
After Tiffany’s flashy star boobs, the next few bad singers are just boring. Tru goes to pop us some Orville while some badness of every creed, style and color don’t make it through to the next round.
First sob story of the night – young Robbie used to be in a wheel chair. Tru says he looks like he could be one of the younger brothers on Royal Pains, and I’ve seen that show and he does have the nose for it. Robbie is sweet and adorable and sings “Yesterday” just like you expect a teenage boy to sing it, only better. As Randy says he “marinated” over the notes, heh. The judges love him and put him through but no one is ready to convert to Judaism yet.
At this point Tru and I have noticed that we are enjoying ST’s crazyass self, J.Lo's sweet-heartedness, Randy’s just-being-Randyness, and we’re not really missing Simon at all. And we represent both the middle age and teenage demographic, so take that Cowell! (I feel better after venting that protesting too much.)
Next is a hodgepodge where contestants get to tell which judge they want to meet. A couple of them want to meet Ellen, which is soooo 2010. Come on now, it’s a new day. ST endures a bevy of “beauties” who claim to adore him and his rock star bad boy self. We learn that ST is a swaggering dirty old man in a high-larious way!
We meet a genuine Boy Scout, a young guy who probably works as an IT engineer somewhere and reads Star Trek fan fiction. NOT that there is anything WRONG with that! I agree wholeheartedly about his “don’t text and drive” (you morons) and admire his homemade PSA. Alas, the boy can’t sing and they let him go on way too long. Meanwhile back in the lobby, Ryan is comforting the mom and it’s hard to tell who is the worse off for this entire shenanigan. I am thinking we the viewing audience.
Next they show very calm rejects which makes us wonder - where’s the crazy? That question is answered when Burping Guy comes out to massacre “Proud Mary.” He will go “rolling down the river” somewhere but not here, dude. ST tries to insult the belcher but it goes right over his head, bless his heart. Way too many minutes later they send Paint Chip guy off to go burp in a place that is far away.
And then we have Ashley, a crazy-eyed Britney fan with ADHD. She sings a show tune and the judges seem scared of her but after coaching from J.Lo doesn’t work, Ashley goes apeshit - “I want to be the pop star Liza Minnelli!” Then Jen and ST give her a pity (or perhaps a “please don’t kill us”) vote through to H’wood. Bad move judges. Randy “it’s a no from me” Jackson is the only voice of reason.
Day one from the Garden State winds down and Ryan looks cute standing in front of the sunset. Even “more precious” is the next contestant – little miss Victoria. This girl is what you get when you take Hannah Montana, the Amanda Bynes character from Easy A and the color fuchsia and put them in a blender. My Kid (excuse me, TRU) and I can’t figure out if she is appealing or repellent. To top it off, she can sing very well but like everything else, the singing is fake with a capital F.A.K.E. Tru says that when Precious gets to H’wood, she will eat its soul. Not to mention the “boy audience.” What a hoot, this girl! Have headband, will travel.
And now for something completely different – sob story numero dos. Pretty Melinda is a refugee from Kosovo and is interviewed along with her family. Their narrative is heartrending, as these stories strive to be. Proof that miracles still happen in our country every day and an example of what makes America a great place to live. Melinda sings well; as ST says she has a “sweet” voice. She makes it to the next round and everyone is even happier now.
It’s day two and some of the contestants that have been waiting all night are getting rather tetchy. A singing waitress named Devon uses her on-camera opportunity to plug the restaurant where she works. I totally admire that because I’d do that also. She has a unique voice that reminds me of Ingrid Michaelson. I like her personality a lot; she is laid back and easy going. The judges like her singing but ding her on her casual attire. Image Schimage. Devon can sing, plus she has a cool name, two very important parts of the AI equation.
Next up are a couple of rather bad singers. The judges have a blast doing their rendition of a sing-a-long. The much-hyped Yogi Pop is next, complete with shiny jacket, Adam Lambert hair, and Michael Jackson dance moves. He does a Japanese version of a Miley Cyrus song that he says he hates. Hmmm. Meet the next William Hung, people. Of course now we get a montage of contestants both good and bad throwing a “Party in the U.S.A.”
We see more rejects leaving the room with thumbs down but surprisingly not acting all “next on Jerry Springer” about it. Then one gal attempts the “you and you and you, you’re gonna love me” song and I have to hit the mute button because my puppy is terrified now. She may not come out from under the covers the rest of the season.
And now for sob story number next, and this one is gonna be a doozy. A young girl is with her dad; he has recovered from throat cancer and as soon as they say the C word, I have to leave the room. (Once that touches your life, you never quiet recover.) The contestant, Brielle, does a lovely version of “Endless Love” and the judges like her. They ask for her dad to come in the room and the waterworks are on again at Aunt Pearl’s house. Geez just let them go to H’wood already. Sniff.
We see some tears and shattered dreams and hopeless, purposeless contestants. Thankfully the Kleenex box is still handy because guess what. Sob story number I’ve-lost-count. Travis is a teenager and he looks so much like my first boyfriend from 30 years ago that it’s eerie. He and his family had been living in a shelter in the Bronx until recently. Travis does an old Beatles song and all I can think of is that David Cook rocked so good on this song a couple years ago. Then the judges let him sing a current pop tune and announce “I’m Yours” as the kid’s twin brother and mom come into the room to celebrate with him. He is going to H’wood and even wee Ryan tears up a bit.
Seacrest wraps up the night’s ep by asking old school Randy how the newbies did. Randy proclaims that it “jumped off great!” I concur completely.
Quotes of the night:
Jennifer: I’m not in the business of crushing spirits.
Steven: I think you got the ‘what it is’s,’ I think you got it.
Randy: I think they’re both insane right now!
Ryan: Miley Cyrus fan? Yogi Pop: Not really.
Tomorrow night they will show auditions from New Orleans. ‘Til then – “put your hands up and nod your head like yeah” and try to get that Miley song out of your head.
