Eight for the 80s – The Guys

March 4, 2008

Ah, I loved the 1980s… the decade that I graduated from high school, went to college, got married, bought my first brand new car, got my first office job… It was a “pink and kelly green” time of acid washed denim, Izods, Gloria Vanderbilts, Members Only and Ray-Bans. The era of the original Star Search, the Walkman, Flashdance, Pac-Man, and Knots Landing. Just a few of my favorite things…

After a nod to the judges, Ryan warns us that we are LIVE tonight, so we better get going. New Amsterdam premieres tonight and we’ve all waited a long time for this show. Better not be messing with the times on our DVR settings, okay?

Each guy will reveal his most embarrassing moment in tonight’s pre-performance video. OMG! They have to narrow it down to just one??

First up is Luke who looks cute in a train conductor hat and manly stubble. He talks about how his sister dressed him like a ballerina when he was a kid and took a picture, which we’ll never see and then of course they show it. It is evident that either Luke is either very naïve or has never watched this show before in his life. For tonight he is singing “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” and really now… WHAM? Perhaps he has seen the semi-cool show Eli Stone, the show about the lawyer with a brain aneurysm who has hallucinations of George Michael. Or maybe he WANTS to get voted off? Luke, bless his heart is not hitting the “get that high” notes very well and seems to have borrowed some of Jason Y’s cheesiness. He’s like one forth of a barbershop quarter. Randy calls him “corny” which is solid, unlike Mr. Jackson’s ugly tee shirt. Paula mentions that she choreographed George Michael’s tour, which is funny because when Randy name-drops, they all do the fake snoring and eyeball-rolling thing. Anyways, she triple loves his interpretation and goes on about really nothing much. Luke’s lovely wife is beaming from the audience, but then - Simon calls him “girly” and that he has a snowball’s chance in the pits of Hades of winning. Luke just wants to have fun and stand there and look pretty, albeit sans tutu.

Next we have David A. who will now be referred to as Disney David, since we can so totally see him in the next High School Musical movie. Ryan must really not like him, as he spills the beans that David is “thirsty and has to pee.” Well, that was inappropriate. D.D.’s most embarrassing moment was when he was singing at a fund raiser in Honduras and his voice gave out; his mom came up and finished the song for him. We are unsure if the embarrassing moment was the “voice” part or the “mom” part, but no matter. David starts out on the piano tonight, doing a song by Phil Collins called “Another Day in Paradise.” It’s one of those songs that makes you feel guilty about having such things as a home and shoes. David’s voice is excellent as always, although not as perfect as usual, and he finishes the song standing. We have noticed that he has a bad habit of licking his lips which is distracting to the teenager that lives here. Randy says that it was like “watching one of your concerts.” Paula thinks that it was absolutely great that he missed a couple notes, to prove that he’s not a “make-believe person.” Simon predicts him to be in the final two but he needs to bring some fun stuff up into the mix. David goes Tiny Tim a bit more while Ryan nods and now I have to go “adopt” a child through World Vision.

For no reason they show a sad looking Denise Richards in the audience. Then, looking prettier than Denise, is Danny Boy. He talks about something or other, who knows what and My Kid has to explain that TMTH is text-speak for Too Much To Handle. Okay, glad to know that. Tonight Danny is dressed like a biker chick in leather and a neck-choking scarf. He is singing one of the most annoying songs ever, “Tainted Love.” The only time this song was ever used for good was when Caleb Morley came to Port Charles to claim his lost love Olivia. Man, that was a good show. Sorry, reluctantly back to Danny… or not, as he is finally mercifully finished. Randy liked the arrangement and compared it to Rihanna to which I say Who? And My Kid frogs me and says something about an umbrella. Which we do have a thunderstorm warning tonight, so I tell her she can’t go outside. She gives me a look as confused as poor Danny. Anyways, Paula calls him a light that is brighter than the orangey color of the dress she is wearing. Simon, thank goodness for Simon, says he is horrible and lists the ten things he hates about him. Danny loves himself and thinks he’s great and scoffs that Ryan did not even notice the purple streaks in his hair. Funny how he does the half-moose hand signal. Whatever! TMTH!

Next up is David H., who will now be known as Cabaret David, for reasons that are all over the internet, should you care to search. (Hey, consider this – Diablo Cody won an Oscar for writing Juno, so there is hope for David’s future, right?) His embarrassing moment does not involve lap dances but ewww gross, boogers. Did he learn nothing from Alaina’s OCD food thing last week? Tonight he is singing a Celine Dion song, the one where she is at a castle with the ghost of her lover, “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now.” Alas, he is not doing the boy version of this song, he is very Dion-ish with it, and it’s hard to watch him sing and not think about the fiery motorcycle crash. You have to see Celine’s video to understand how wonderfully over-the-top and cheesy it was. Back to David, he sings it okay but he’s no Ms. Dion, not even a Meat Loaf, so we expect a pummeling from the trio of judges. We should always expect the unexpected though, as Randy tells him that it was a “nice song choice” and Paula says he has some of the best vocals in this whole group which is valid. David anxiously waits to get verbally abused by Simon and is surprised when he says, “you've 100% secured a place as a finalist for next week on that.” David and Randy talk “shoes” which seems to make Ryan nervous. He’s like, back away slowly from the girl-talk.

Ryan is on the red couch with Michael who looks a bit Val Kilmer-ish in his Doors movie days. They have a technical glitch and have to kill a few moments chatting. Michael’s most embarrassing moment was when he was dressed as a kangaroo mascot. You’d think the story would end right there, but it gets worse: he was mauled by four guys in front of thousands. Crikey! Tonight Michael sings “Don’t You Forget About Me” and My Hubby and I have to search our data-memory-banks for this one. Is it INXS? I finally remember that it’s from the movie The Breakfast Club, to which he says Who? It is so hard to live with pop-culturally challenged people sometimes. Almost as hard as listening to MJ’s version of this song, which is not horrible, but not great either. And we all know that he could sing the theme song from Barney & Friends and still make it through. Randy says that he took it home and compares him to Michael Hutchence again. Paula babbles on and on for a million years and likes his cowlicks and brown leather jacket (to paraphrase.) An annoyed Simon, who has been watching the clock, huffs and puffs and taps his fingers. He says he is still waiting for Michael’s shining moment and compares him to Carly, although he doesn’t mention her name. The jist is that everyone loves Michael even when his face is all shiny.

Thankfully, David C., forever known on Aunt Pearl’s blog as Rocker David, now has a working guitar and we can get on with the show. While wearing a hat from the Johnny Depp grandpa collection, he tells us about the time he was in a talent show. No, not this one, it was when he was a kid and forgot the words. Poor thing just stood there like DUH and it’s an adorable story. Awash in bright red lights, he sings a rocked-out version of the Lionel Richie song “Hello.” My Hubby, the metal rock lover, informs us that Incubus did a rock version of this song already. Yep, to which I say Who? I can’t help but recall the video of Lionel and the blind girl and the hideous sculpture she made of his head. Man, those 80s music videos were corny. So, David’s version is not perfect but he is very Blake-ish and even somewhat Daughtry-like with the way he made the song his own. Randy and Paula love it and say that it could be on the radio right now! With all the other crappy singles they play! Yeah! Paula also tells him that he is “going to be a great shining star.” David seems to hold his breath awaiting Simon’s review, and is aghast when the cocky Brit proclaims, “that was a very brave thing to do and I loved it.” Wow, and the crowd goes wild. Simon further explains that he thinks even Mr. Ritchie would like it.

Jason is up next, and he seems to be getting the hang of the interview process, way less Spicoli than in the past. He tells us about the time he was on a date and his dreads kept getting in the way and all into his food and yuck. Boys are so gross sometimes. Tonight he sits and sings the song “Hallelujah” which we know by John Cale from the Shrek movie. My Kid loves this song and Shrek and Fiona and Donkey but doesn’t understand why Jason’s doing it on 80s night. Anyways, Jason is understated and cute and has a pretty face. He kinda loses the last couple of notes but you can tell by his expression that he realizes what he has done. Randy explains the origin of the song – Leonard Cohen did it first then it was redone by Jeff Buckley. Thank you Randy for educating My Kid that there was indeed life prior to 1992. Both he and Paula love Jason for a hundred years. Paula says that he “made it sound so effortless with ease” and used other less coherent words. They all appreciate that he did not play the guitar again this week, which is strange to me. It’s like, here’s a new toy but you can only play with it every other holiday. Simon says that he loves the song and Jason’s version and pronounces that he’s getting better and better. Jason is like whoa, dude, totally awesome, where’s the Volkswagon Microbus? Yay for Dreads!

Chikezie brings the 80s to a close on guy night. First he tells us about an embarrassing time when he came to the realization that he had been using a women’s bathroom instead of the men’s john. Seriously, these guys need some new material. Tonight he is singing a song by Luther Vandross but made more famous by Whitney Houston back in the days when she was beautiful and talented and wonderful. The song is called “All the Woman (or Man) I Need,” take your pick. Chikezie has cute dimples and mad vocal skills, and he sings this song very well. He sounds like any other artist that you hear on the soul station though, not really a stand out. Randy says he did a good job, and an excited Paula gives it her seal-clap of approval. We are really hoping that Chikezie stays in the competition because he is getting better each week and unlike some of the contestants, is not coasting by on his looks alone. Simon seems to want to bait him into an argument by demanding to know if this was a Whitney song. Chikezie tries to give him a rundown of who’s who but Mr. Impatient snaps that “I don't think that worked at all.” Well, we don’t think your constant sea of gray and black boring shirts work either, so hmmph. To his credit, Chikezie with his pink shirt and big belt buckle, displays humility and does not talk back this week.

Recap time, and it’s hard to pick our favorites. Disney David was the best vocal but Rocker David gave a more unique performance.

My picks to leave this week are Luke and Danny (please!)

Tonight’s quotes:

Paula: (to Simon) The day I’m your sister is the day I leave this planet...

Simon: I was with Lionel Richie in the supermarket on Sunday … I was in the Whole Foods; I had carrots and he was buying cereal. True story.
Ryan: And we don’t want to know what happened after your shopping trip.

Ryan: How would you describe tonight?
Paula: Two words – phe nomenal …
Ryan: Simon, reply in ten seconds…
Simon: How can I reply to those wise words...?
Paula: I left him speechless …

Tomorrow night, the eight 80s ladies take on parachute pants and big moussed hair.