IGB2 - Night of a “Gugillion” Stars

April 9, 2008

Tonight is American Idol’s version of the Oscars, Emmys, Grammys, etc. all rolled into one, but for a great cause. There is much good to be had by raising zillions of dollars for poor folks.

Ryan is in his Savile Row best to meet and greet everyone. The judges are in the audience and they are dressed to the nines as well.

To open the show, the top 8 sing a song that My Kid says is from that Rihanna person. Don’t know her. Also did not realize that all the dancers on stage are from the Fox show So You Think You Can Dance. I will have to remember to not watch that again this year. At least these dancers are not awkward and clumsy, and the top 8 gang just get out of the way and let them do their thang.

Oh goody. Popped up on my screen is the logo of one of the reasons it costs me 100 bucks a week just to drive to work.

The first of many stars appear as “talking heads." First up is some NASCAR driver. Then George Lopez but I don’t know what he’s saying since I don’t speak Mexican. (Except for Chihuahua which we learned from Paula last night.)

Kool Kylie Minogue, a breast cancer survivor and the singer of Cindy Crawford’s furniture commercial also makes an appeal.

Mrs. Terminator Herself, Maria Shriver appears on stage with great hair and about a hundred thousand volunteers from the CA area. I see a lady wearing a Make-a-Wish tee shirt and start to cry, only twelve minutes into the show.

My favorite museum night guard Ben Stiller is back and gives me the word of the day – “gugillion.” I love made up words and already have like, a gugillion of them.

Next we see a sad and disturbing video with Jennifer Connelly that depicts the irony of Americans having clean drinking water, but complain about things like not having the latest iPod or cell phone made out of chocolate. But African children don’t have anything. It’s fitting that Jennifer did something H20 related since her character died in the Dark Water movie she made. (You can take it out of your Netflix queue now that you know the ending.)

I didn’t even like Snoop Dogg in that Starsky & Hutch movie, mainly because the entire film sucked. Here he is on the AI stage with bling and some Klingon looking guy. Next.

Another talking head dude with a big round bandage on his face begs us to give back. A wrestler of some sort is big and scary looking and my mom probably knows his name but I do not.

We are reminded that YES “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” is a hit song by Paula Abdul and produced by Randy Jackson. They walk out on stage to read from cue cards in a bad way. Their segment on the epidemic of obese children prompts me to purge my cabinets of anything with sugar, salt, carbs, calories or air. Very sad circumstances are shown in the video and I hug My Kid because I love her.

So I used to watch Desperate Housewives but quit that show because it’s terrible. But I am guessing that Susan and the plumber dude are still together? Must be, since next we see a skit with those two and Carrie Underwood caught in the middle. Poor Carrie can’t act any better than the others.

This entire DH/Carrie bit is to lead up to Teri Hatcher fake-stealing Carrie’s song “Before He Cheats.” She sings (if you can call it singing) with a group called Band from TV. I have heard of them but never seen them before. One of the guys from Alias is on drums; I think he’s on Heroes now. Dr. Chase from House plays violin. And Mike the plumber plays guitar. So that part is way cool but not the Corpse Bride as vocalist. Poor Carrie has to fake-thank her. Ugh.

Some lady with crazy hair screams at me from my TV for no reason and Nigel begs her to stop. This show has stepped into crazy land.

My Kid (and the audience) go wild when they see three boys called The Jonas Brothers. Must be a teenagery thing.

Not a huge Billy Crystal fan but not a hater either. Can take him or leave him, like 99% of the “celebrities” out there today. He purposely mispronounces Miley Cyrus but makes it seem like an accident because for the next few minutes, the “comedy” depends on this “old meets young” gag. And by “gag” I mean, really 12-year old girls? This kinda stuck-up girl is your Mary Kate and Ashley? I beg My Kid to explain to me what is the appeal here? She has no answer, just shrugs. Little Miley seems like a nice enough girl but she cannot sing. Y’all, I apologize for every bad thing I’ve ever said about Kristy Lee Cook.

Although we are not supposed to know it, the viewing audience being stupid and whatever, everything that we have seen so far was NOT live. The only live-ness we will see tonight is Ryan and the contestants pretending to man (and wo-man) the phone lines. Riiiiight. But wait! Call now and get an INSPI(RED) tee shirt like Michael has on. (If only.) Or Rocker Dave can sell ya one of the thousand white one.org bracelets he is wearing.

Paul Hewson, a.k.a. Bono is in Africa, trying to help AIDS-stricken children. He seems to genuinely be one of the good guys. The plight of these victims has everyone at Aunt Pearl’s house humbled, grateful and teary-eyed.

Julianne Moore from The Forgotten reminds us to go online and give before the aliens erase our memories and then suck us into the sky.

Up next to perform is one of the chicks that does ads for Candie’s shoes. Because I actually do not live in a cave, I have heard of Fergie and know that she is not the Duchess of York but from the Black Eyed Peas. Whatever, she sings some boring song while the guy from the Target commercial plays piano. When the song finally ends she says his name is John Legend.

And then! She introduces the Wilson sisters from my childhood days, the one and only HEART!!! Ann sings “Barracuda” while Nancy jams on guitar. Although she’s bigger these days (aren’t we all?) Ann still sounds fabulous. Nancy has gone carrot top and can still rock with the best of them. For absolutely no good reason, Fergie comes back on stage and totally upstages my Wilson girls. Way to steal the thunder from your self-proclaimed idols, beyotch. She slithers and slimes and even cartwheels, but at least she sings better when she’s aping Heart than when she’s doling out her own craptastic tunes.

Another WWE wrestler pops in to tell us to give back. I do not recognize him but it is not The Rock so who cares. Adam Sandler tells us that dogs are good and so is charity.

Back to Ryan and the big phone fakers, especially needy Syesha. Anyone who really believes that calls are being routed to them, raise your hand. Okay, now go take your seat at the back of the short bus.

I think I just heard Seacrest say that American Idol postage stamps are coming soon. Awww, something for snail mail users; that is so cute.

What do I know less about than today’s pop music? Football. Two tall guys named Manning come out on stage and prove that jocks can read from cue cards. They are shown in a touching video about helping Katrina survivors and school kids.

No Kelly C. this year on IGB, but at least we get to see her Vitamin Water commercial.

Am so over Becks and Posh, move off my TV please, with your stern faces and bragging about success. The UK needs you back, right?

Manic Ryan and those Zany 8 need to make like Jerry Lewis, with the quickness! (Hey Ryan? Tomorrow, take the whole pill.)

Bono and a brave orphaned boy introduce Annie Lennox, who really does have the “voice of an angel.” I like Annie very much, so I weep with her all the way through the story of her visit to Africa. This is what I would do if I was filthy rich – help the unfortunate. The only difference is that I would do it on the DL, without any fanfare. What the stars are doing on this show tonight is admirable, but I would do it anonymously.

After showing her video, tonight Annie sings “Many Rivers to Cross,” a song I remember from an old Linda Ronstadt album that I used to have. Wish they’d have Linda on the show one of these days. The last river song I heard her do was the Joni Mitchell one, which is one of my all-time favorites, even though it’s sad-Christmas. I digress because I am somewhat bored with this song, although the audience loves every emotional note of it.

Jack Bauer says to give back, or he and Walker Texas Ranger will hunt you down!

Celine Dion is in Africa helping the children, and will not be performing with Dead Elvis tonight. Whew, dodged that bullet.

Jimmy Kimmel comes on stage to make fun of Simon and although I enjoy making fun of Mr. Cowell as much as the next very twisted person, it gets a bit long and awkward. Not as uncomfortable as say, that whole Ben Affleck thing, but close.

In his Montage of Humanity video, Simon proves that he is not the devil (because this week that title goes to Zsa Zsa’s hubby.) He talks about the misfortune of so many American children not having health insurance, and how the working poor get screwed each week by the IRS while the rich B-tards are in tax shelters and some such. Or something to that effect. At any rate, the whole thing is touching and hits close to home.

Simon then introduces the iridescent Carrie Underwood who gets to sing this time, not just pretend that she liked Lois Lane’s singing. Accompanied by a wonderful orchestra, she performs a song called “Praying for Time.” As always, she is too beautiful to even be a real person, has a remarkable voice, and there doesn’t seem to be very much behind the eyes.

Whoopi is funny and adorable but I still refuse to watch The View. (I will give back, though.) We miss Ellen as co-host this year, but at least she’s on hand to give a plug as “Oprah.” Somewhere Stedman really is confused.

The oft-performed-on-AI Gloria Estefan is on stage next with the ageless Sheila E on drums. Now this was worth the price of admission and even the popcorn. We will “get up and make it happen” indeed, but not as well as the scantily clad dancers.

Dirty-mouthed Sarah Silverman should be in one of those cheeky Orbit commercials. She is a bug on my windshield. Like her beau Jimmy, she does not bring out Matt Damon but does a crappy Randy Jackson bit. Her segue from funny to serious is not smooth either.

The Last King of Scotland himself, Forest Whitaker talks about the need for mosquito nets and medical supplies in Africa. He and his wife visit children in the hospital and we are reminded that God loves them just as much as he does all the healthy people.

More phone time-wasting and giggles and Jason wants to sell us a Castro-inspired Chia pet.

The British PM who is Not Tony Blair pops onto our TV to inform us that Britain is giving back as well. They will be giving millions of mosquito nets out and good on them for this contribution.

At this point, not sure why the contestants are bothering with the telephones. The way Ryan keeps snatching them away, all the calls must be for him.

More shrieks of delight from My Kid when Nicole Kidman’s husband pops in to tell us to give back.

Reese Witherspoon who is so not like June Carter Cash, I don’t care what Oscar says, is up next. Without a trace of Elle Woods, she tells of her visit to New Orleans, the city of her birth. She interacts awkwardly with the less fortunate but seems to be genuinely concerned about them.

The top 8 – remember them? The telethon-phone-answering people? Well, they get to sing together again. They do a song from the musical Rent called “Seasons of Love.” I have no basis for comparison, but it sounds okay to me and about 525,600 minutes long. Blue-robed back-up singers join in with the eight to close the song.

My Kid squeals when she sees Dane Cook, no relation to Kristy or David. I do not know him but whatever. At least this year we have a good mixture of Gen X, Gen Y, and Baby Boomers.

He introduces Alicia Keys, who is another one of those impossibly beautiful gals that looks too pretty to be a human. She is the global ambassador for Keep a Child Alive, and in her non-ghetto voice she narrates highlights of her trip to Africa.

Two teenage girls from High School Musical come to steal Archuleta away from AI to take him back to Planet Disney. Oh yeah, and to plug the Give Back web site.

Now for no apparent reason at all, Miley Cyrus is back but not in the Hannah Montana wig. Isn't that how it’s supposed to work? She must have been watching that Fergie gal too closely with all her bumping and grinding. I still do not “get” the appeal of this girl and never will because I am very very old.

Miley and her dad, Achy Breaky Billy Ray, visit Kentucky. This is where Billy Ray was born so it’s a return to his roots. The plight of the poor people there makes me feel ashamed for complaining about anything in my whole life, ever.

Is it just us, or has this show turned into Hannah Montana Gives Back?? Is American Idol owned by Disney??? Hopefully we are done with the former Destiny Hope for now.

Ryan introduces us to our Russian Idol… Robin Williams. He does one funny knock-knock joke that’s as old as my granny and goes on way too long. Where’s Yakov Smirnoff when you need him?

Deuce Bigalow and his gangsta hat plug IGB. And oh Tyra, girl you so fierce. See you on The Soup this Friday evening.

Hey, it’s Joe Dirt himself! David Spade introduces that home-wrecking Angelina’s beau Brad Pitt. The audience screams for a hundred years and somewhere Paula is mush. To paraphrase Randy, he’s just okay for me. Brad and his grandpa hat are there to talk about the plight of Katrina victims.

Tonight Brad comes onstage to introduce the next special guest... Finally the moment that My Kid has waited for all night: Chris Daughtry, er Just Daughtry, or is it DAUGHTRY? No matter, Chris and crew play for kids in Uganda and we still love him, his toboggan and his black ONE tee shirt.

Time has run out but I learned from experience to always set the DVR for overtime. This way we don’t miss Mariah Carey. Oh wait, yeah. The thing about Ms. Carey is that no one will ever love Mimi as much as SHE loves Mimi. It’s not worth the price of her perfume at Macy’s. At least Randy gets to play guitar again, and for the first time doesn’t have to diss someone for trying to do Mariah.

For the grand finale, the white-clad top eight singers perform the praise & worship staple, “Shout to the Lord.” I can not believe that The Powers That Run Idol are allowing a song like this on their very secular show. Do they not know it’s about The Lord and Savior? Oh well, they must since they cut “Jesus” from the lyrics.

The PC Police, back in action. We’ll take what we can, love it, and donate to the cause. Then we’ll wipe our eyes and go to bed, knowing that our dreams will be sweeter than the ones we saw this evening. Every single one of the people we saw tonight will be in my prayers.

Quotes:

Ben Stiller: “Isn't that what American Idol is all about? Convincing crazy people they can be on television?”

Miley Cyrus (to Billy Crystal): “So are you in show business?”

Jimmy Kimmel (about Simon’s hairdo): “Who parts that for you? Moses?”

Simon (to Jimmy): “I just want to say how much I love the Jay Leno show.”

Stage Manager Debbie (after adjusting Brad Pitt’s malfunctioning mic): “I just needed a reason to touch him.”

‘Til tomorrow night when one goes home. In the meantime, Give Back.