The 2nd Group of 12 Do Not “Bring It”

I was looking forward to American Idol all day yesterday, just to find out that it had been moved to tonight. From January to May, Tuesday without Idol is like SpongeBob without Patrick. Dean Winchester without his Impala or Jack Bauer without explosives.

Hopefully it will be worth the wait because it’s been a long day. Casual Day Ryan tells us that we are the Judge & Jury and will decide which three of tonight’s singers will advance to the Top 12.

Ryan chats with the judges who are thankfully aligned in a row in which we are familiar, with Simon on the end where he belongs. The judges tell the contestants that they need to “bring it” with the “right songs,” and Kara’s hair looks pretty.

The gal who drew the short straw in the spot of doom is cute teenager Jasmine Murray. I have liked her from the beginning when she sang the Fergie song. Tonight she’s doing the one that Ann Marie dissed last week, “Love Song” by Sara Bareilles. Jasmine does okay, considering what she has to work with. This ditty is repetitive and gets stuck in your head but does not showcase her vocal talent very well. At critique time, she’s told that she is pitchy and all over the place. The good news is that she is “commercial,” you know, like a shiny red Ford 150 pickup truck. Jasmine says that she had fun so it’s all good.

Unlike last week’s “family in the red room,” tonight they stay in the audience away from Ryan’s microphone. We do not even get to see if they have cool tee shirts. Bummer.

Another random observation: where the heck are Rickey Minor and the band?? Are they backstage? Are the contestants singing to backing tracks? (If so, that is a big step back for this show.) And why aren’t any of them playing instruments like last year? Not sure what is going on this season…

Up next is Matt Giraud, who did so well during Hollywood with his keyboard and Ray Charles style. Tonight he’s doing the Coldplay song about when iTunes ruled the world. His voice and performance are both painful; he’s like Nemo in the fish tank instead of the ocean. It’s just that bad and seems to never end. It sounds like he’s singing into a fan and not the good CD-buying kind. All of the judges agree that the viewing audience should remember how great he did earlier in the season and forget tonight. Simon even cuts to the chase and calls it horrible. Looks like Matt will be back to dueling-piano-playing soon.

We have not had a chance to meet Jeanine Vailes yet, so she makes up for it by appearing half nekkid. Daisy Duke only wishes she had short-shorts this revealing. Paired with a tuxedo jacket and CFM shoes, at least she’s got the “I must look like a slut in my music video” thing going for her. Unfortunately, she sings the Maroon 5 song that Blake Lewis did better, “This Love.” The background vocals are not blending with her voice at all. After telling her eight thousand times that she has “great legs,” she finally gets a “nice lips,” too. Nothing good about her song choice though.

Next up is the bane of my Idol existence, Nick/Norman Mitchell/Gentle. Having this dude in the semi-finals is fueling the flames of this show’s critics everywhere and rightly so. It’s like putting Randy Hickey as the point guard in the Final Four. In other words, FOUL! As expected, Nick is ridiculously over-the-top and does a Weird Al Yankovic version of the Dreamgirls song. Simon actually says that he PRAYS Nick does not make it through. (Wow. Simon praying. Not two words I ever thought I’d see together.) Of course the other three think it’s funny as all get-out. Gawsh.

Well, tonight is not going well so far, and I feel almost as sick to my stomach as Nick’s poor dad. Poor guy sat in the audience with that deer-in-headlight look. Here at Aunt Pearl’s house we are contemplating (to paraphrase Ladies Home Journal): “Can This Show be Saved?”

Moving on… red-haired teenager Allison Iraheta is the pride and joy of Telemundo. They don’t tell us during the show about her previous contest winnings because we don’t speak Spanish yet. Allison is giggly and inarticulate during Ryan-banter, but she blows us away with her rendition of Heart’s “Alone.” Carrie who? I like this kid’s voice a lot and so do the judges. She gets a “blew it out da box” from Randy and the old “Phone Book” standard from Paula. They even give her the Kelly Clarkson comparison, which could be the kiss of death. (Carly Smithson anyone?)

Another guy that we have seen very little of, Kris Allen, is up next. Fresh-faced and clean-cut, he looks like he could be David Archuleta’s older brother. My Hubby and I roll our eyes when we hear he’s doing “Man in the Mirror.” White boys should not sing Michael Jackson songs; it’s just creepy. Kris doesn’t have a terrible voice but it’s nothing special, very blah. Like almost everyone before him tonight, Kris gets told that he did better in the earlier rounds. We hope so because we did not get to see that. The judges are mixed and want to say mostly good things, maybe to pull us from this loll we are in tonight.

Megan Corkery is a gorgeous young lady and a single mom. The tattoo on her arm looks like one of those fake sleeves, but alas the gaudy thing is real. She has a unique voice and does mostly good on “Put Your Records On.” There are parts of her vocal that are as off as Antonella’s in season 6 though. Evidently the judges are hearing something totally different than us, because they think she’s great. Kara must have a marketing degree because she goes on and on about the “complete package.” Randy name-drops a few people that he probably has not worked with before because they’re from this decade.

Those within the AI bubble already know that Matt Breitzke is a welder and family man. He also has a very good voice from what we’ve seen so far. Too bad tonight he chooses something all wrong for him, “If You Could Only See” by Tonic. It’s so vanilla and not in a good Breyers Double Churned Light way. Matt can sing much better than this, although at least he is hitting the notes. Simon reminds him of how much he likes the working man but didn’t like the song. The other judges concur and Matt disagrees with them. Never a good idea to talk back, especially when they are not wrong.

Blues artist Jonny Lang’s sister, Jesse Langseth is up next. She is one of those gals who can put on some make-up and look like a completely different person. Her voice sounds like Megan’s, smoky and different. She sings one of my favorite songs when I was in high school – “Bette Davis Eyes.” (Naturally My Kid says WHO?) Jesse does a decent job of Kim Carnes, although she loses some of the higher notes. For some reason, the judges don’t like Jesse as much as we think they should. Jesse doesn’t help matters by going into Brooke White babble mode. “Too cool for school?” Nah.

Caretaker Kai Kalama sure looks better with a hat on. He has a really handsome face when the caught-in-weed-whacker ‘fro is covered. Tonight Kai sings an old R&B song “What Becomes of the Brokenhearted.” His voice is fine, but like so many others tonight he is playing it too safe. There is no “oomph” to his performance. Although Kai sang better than most of tonight’s folks, he gets ripped to shreds during judge time. Every card is played from “pitchy” to “hotel singer.” It seems the judges are harsher on the ones that they don’t think are as “commercial” even if they sing better.

Cute teenager Mishavonna Henson promises America that she will not let us down tonight. Not sure how she can keep that promise when she says she’s singing “Drops of Jupiter,” one of the most annoying songs ever. Her voice sounds okay for the most part, and thank goodness she does not show us a “permanent scar” like Ace Young did a few years ago. Her outfit screams young Jenna Rink in 13 Going on 30. After arguing about what the stupid song even means, the judges finally tell Mishavonna that she needs to loosen up and act her age. Simon even says she’s cold, as if he can talk.

We are reminded for the zillionth time that Adam Lambert is a seasoned pro at theatrical performing. Of course he is in the pimp spot this evening because that is how this show rolls. Adam promises to get the over-singing under control and dial the flamboyancy down a notch. It looks like he is successful because he goes a good job on “Satisfaction;” he does not try to mimic Mick Jagger’s vocal style. However, towards the end he goes way above and beyond the call of duty. That sound your cat makes when you hit its tail with the rocking chair? That’s Adam. Naturally the judges love him six ways from Sunday.

There is no doubt that Adam Lambert will be one of the three passed on to the top 12 tomorrow night. Who the other two will be is anyone’s guess. If the judges have their way, the female contestant will be pretty blonde Megan although Allison sang the best tonight. As long as one of them is NOT Nick Mitchell, I don’t really care.

Best Quotes:

Ryan: “You look great in every seat, Randy.”

Ryan: “You should see me do the ‘Cold Hearted Snake,’ Paula.”

So ends the worst episode of American Idol ever in eight seasons. As My Kid says, Oh Em Gee. THAT was ruff. With apologies to Buffy Summers, tonight’s show happened to “on occasion, suck beyond the telling of it.”