The Next 3 of the Top 12 Are A’right

Brooke White

I’ve been fighting a migraine all evening so my tolerance level for BS is set to less than zero. It feels like Sylar is cutting into my brain, but I have no superpowers for him to steal. Unless you count the ability to talk FOR-EV-ER about all things Idol, and I doubt that’s anything he’d want.

Speaking of Heroes, that show is going downhill as rapidly as this one, yes? Can either of them be saved? It’d be cool if there could be a crossover. Different networks, so it’s not possible, but a gal can dream. Simon could be the one whose touch turns everyone to ice and they freeze and shatter. But enough of that nonsense because it’s time to get down to the business of destroying nine lives.

“What. Have. You. Done?” asks Seacrest. He is thinking that hopefully none of the 25 million votes were cast for the Richard-Simmons-meets-Olivia-Newton-John class clown.

We are reminded that tonight’s top 3 will be the female and male with the highest votes, and then “whoever” is next. They will join last week’s Group One survivors Alexis, Danny, and Michael.

Quick flashes to audition-Hollywood-chair. We are reminded that Kris, Jesse and Mishavonna had little to no air time and poor Hot Legs Jeanine had nada. Dreams and destiny and babies mixed with lots of hugs equals pure mush.

The group song is “Closer,” by someone I do not know and have never heard of. I wonder if it is like a cool Brenda Johnson “(The) Closer” or a bad Julia Roberts “Closer?” The lyrics are somewhat nasty for a show during family hour, so it’s more like the latter.

Since I have no basis for comparison, the singing does not sound that bad to me. Nick/Norman obviously does not know the words or how to move about in a group setting. Of course, the rest of them don’t either except for Adam who is (as we all know forever and forever) Broadway’s favorite son/daughter/thang. Anyways, they “just can’t stop” for a thousand years of singing in unison with no apparent harmony.

Recap time… Jasmine was not going to write Disney a love song even if they asked for one. Matt G. could not remember ever ruling the world without his piano. This love was taking its toll on Jeanine and her long legs. The American Idol logo was molested by Nick/Norman and his sassy pants. If we could only see the way Matt B. chose this song maybe we would understand. What becomes of the broken hearted is what Kai’s fright-fro wants to know. Kris was looking at the man in the mirror and it looked like Archie in 10 years. All the boys thought Jesse was a spy and wondered who’s Bette Davis? Adam tried and he tried and he tried but couldn’t get there cuz that happens sometimes when you’re bi. Megan put her records on right next to her white dress’s pom poms. Mishavonna had drops of Jupiter in her hair-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh. Allison wanted to know how to get “chew” alone and dye your hair red.

Because we all love Q&A from nervous contestants, it’s now time for Round Table with Ryan. Nick just wants employment. (May we recommend America’s Got Talent or Last Comic Standing?) Matt is not too old to learn new things and take advice from the snarky Brit. (He tries to make nice but Cowell ain’t having any of it.) Jesse makes weird faces and acts like the dumb one in Mean Girls. (But can she tell the weather with her boobs?) Jeanine admits to owning a fine pair of sticks and makes no apology for the boots-with-shorts combo. (Perhaps there will be another season of Farmer Takes a Wife?)

Ryan calls Allison to the stage first. She is a cute girl but the burgundy (dark fuchsia? mahogany?) helmet hair is clashing with the Minnie Mouse shirt and hooker heels. She squees a bit and then “too cool for school” Jesse and big tuff welder Matt B. are also called. Tick tock tick tock, wasting time asking Jackson what he thinks. Dawg.

It’s not really a surprise that Telemundo’s own Allison is the first one to make it to the silver spaceship stool. She is so girly and giggly until! She takes the stage and owns it. My Hubby and I have a girl this very same age and we know that it’s totally possible for them to be that way. It makes Allison a more interesting contestant, and she does the Wilson Sisters proud on their song “Alone.” (Better yet, she makes me forgive my daughter for all of her unfortunate experiments with crazy hair color.)

Next up to the center stage, are husky chick Megan Joy, who has discovered a hair straightener, and brown-eyed cutie-patootie Kris Allen. Added to that duo are piano man Matt G. and Jeanine who’s playing the role of Pocahontas tonight. Or maybe it’s Ellie Mae? No matter because she and Matt are soon sent back to the couches. Now Megan looks like she is going to faint while Kara goes on for a crazillion years about Kris being awesome.

Since we already have one female, it would make common sense for the next choice to be a male. Because the 3rd choice can be anyone, right? And that would ruin some of the suspense. (Oh, but math confuses me.)

When it’s all added up, it’s evident that Kris is the one picked between him and Megan. Even though HE is surprised and so is everybody. We here at Aunt Pearl’s house can not remember a time that a song by Mister Jerkwad, er Michael Jackson actually worked out for anyone.

At any rate, Kris is adorable and Megan will not get to be the random blonde pretty girl in the top 12 this year. At least not yet; Wild Card show still to come lest we forget.

We have to sit through the mirror song again but it doesn’t look like Kris needs to “change his ways” very much. He’s cute in a grown-up WebKinz way and has a serviceable set of pipes.

So the two we have so far – Allison and Kris – have made it to the top 12 in spite of having little air time in the previous six weeks of this show. Wow. Simon was not the only one praying last night.

For no apparent reason other than a way to waste time between now and that ridiculous cooking show, we see an Idols Past montage. It’s the same one that aired at the beginning of the season, with lots of Clay in all his different personas, Elliott’s adorable mom, and all of the winning champs’ confetti. Anything that ends with David Cook being happy is a good thing for me, so I’m okay with this filler.

Thank goodness the “hulu” aliens that abducted Brooke White last year have brought her back safe and sound. America’s favorite barefoot nanny is back at her piano, looking rested, pretty and as sweet as we remember. She sings a song she co-wrote called “Hold Up My Heart” and does not stutter a single note. I am going right to iTunes to purchase this ditty, because it’s a neat song and sunny Brooke is worth 99 cents.

Back to eliminations… wow, Brooke made me forget all that for awhile. Ryan brings the remaining five kids down to the stage. Cute Mishavonna, Kai “Frodo,” Adam “Minnelli,” bedazzled Jasmine, and Nick/Norman/or is it Normund? I don’t care, just want him gone. (If he makes it through, I welcome Sylar to come and finish cutting the top of my head off.)

Ryan dismisses Mishavonna, Kai and Jasmine just-like-that. Poof be gone. Last week’s last two standing was diva Tatiana and shoo-in Danny. Because the producers of this show think that we all have the last name of Gump, we have a déjà vu moment. We are made to believe that it’s now between the (Cl)ass Clown and the Chosen One. Riiiiight.

Just like last week there is fake tension and then! Adam makes it and Nick/Norman/ Normund/ whatever-the-heck is sent back to wherever they locked up Del Torro.

Adam and his very tight pants can still get no “Satisfaction” not even with a chain belt thingy from the Daughtry collection. My Kid is overjoyed because she loves everything about him and his black nails and humongous rings and ironed black hair. Adam has a practically perfect voice but he’s more Edward Scissorhands than Edward Cullen, RANDY.

So now there are six… four guys and two gals, and so far the (mostly) whitest bunch of contestants we’ve ever seen on the show. Two of them shoved in our face from day one, two dark horses, and two talented newcomers.

Tonight’s Quotes:

Allison: “I am just so freakin’ happy right now!” (this is exactly what my teenage kid would say.)

Kris: “I feel really freakin’ nervous right now.” (ditto to above)

Paula: “Simon, you’re a GNAT!”

Brooke White (to the contestants): “Don’t google your name.”

Simon: “I’m hoping me and God have got a good relationship right now.”

The last group performs next Tuesday: Arianna Afsar, Ju’Not Joyner, Kristen McNamara, Nathaniel Marshall, Lil Rounds, Jorge Nuñez, Kendall Beard, Scott MacIntyre, Felicia Barton, Von Smith, Taylor Vaifanua, and Alex Wagner-Trugman.

I am most excited about Lil and hope she does well. It will be interesting to see how they spin Felicia replacing controversial Joanna Pacitti.

Wednesday will be results night for group 3, which will bring us 9 total contestants that have been voted through by the masses. Thursday is the Wild Card show and the judges will pick the final 3 of the top 12. With four judges and only 3 silver stools, someone is getting left out. Now who needs Sylar?