Hollywood Week – “You’ve Got One Shot”

inside the Kodak Theater

To quote Buffy Summers: “I’m way off my game. My game’s left the country. It’s in Cuernavaca.”

Because I’ve had pneumonia, the past nine days have passed as if in a fog. Somehow I watched and recapped three audition episodes last week, but I don’t really remember them now.

Now that I think about it, was this because of my illness or because there wasn’t really anything that memorable going on? Something to think about…

Hopefully, I will remain conscious for the entire episode tonight. After all, it’s Episode 1 of HOLLYWOOD WEEK! Very Serious Ryan reminds us that everyone is extremely tense right now. The contestants, the judges, the producers, and mostly the viewers…

The first thing the singers do when they get to Hollywood is go to “American Idol Boot Camp” which is led by voice coach Debra Byrd. They also spend time with stylists and the Glam Squad.

Also, Barry Manilow shows up to give them a pep talk. As if these under 30-year-olds know who he is, right. Perhaps they remember him from when he coached the Top 11 of Season 5.

The group of 147 is divided in half; one set will perform for the judges the first day while the others go sightseeing. On day two, they will switch places.

Keeping with first day tradition, the contestants will come to the stage in groups of eight. Some of them will be sent home right away and others will go to the next round.

The first one we see is the wonderful Lil Rounds who does the Whitney version of the song that Dolly does better. She’s a bit shouty but we will “always love” her because she’s awesome.

Backflipping Dennis, who was a complete waste of a golden ticket in the first place, does not fare as well. Simon can’t get past his facial expressions and the guy just can’t sing good enough for this show.

Lil and a couple of others that apparently are not worthy of any footage make it to the next round. Dennis does not and he is one unhappy camper! He rants and raves and even makes fun of Simon’s clothes. Quicker than you can say Sore Loser, he is outta there.

Ryan talks to Paula and Kara about what they’ve seen so far and they are still bragging about Lil. The scenes are edited to make it look like there are contestants nearby who can hear what they are saying. A closer look reveals that they are NOT and it’s this type of editing manipulation that ticks me off about reality shows. But I digress…

A lip-pierced little guy named Nathaniel sings a song that the judges have never heard of because it’s by a Christian singer named Ray Boltz. The song is NOT about a boat, SIMON! This show, man. Anywho, the little boy falls to pieces and now all we can hear is the violins. Does Hollywood rob these kids of all dignity?

Two favorites from the audition cities, Anoop and Jasmine do very well and make it through. Anoop is from NC so that alone is enough to root for him. Jasmine is unique and gorgeous and has that “it” factor that the judges talk about all the time.

Poor little Rose Flack, the orphan gal who has a retro hippie look, is not doing well in H’wood so far. She’s missing her parents and my heart breaks for her. Fortunately, she does well enough to advance to the next day at least.

A handsome curly haired guy named Stephen is next. He is a hottie and has a smooth voice and does a Stevie Wonder song very well. As Randy said, “You slayed it dude, whaaaat??” We also see Jorge from Puerto Rico again and he and his yellow scarf do okay.

The guy who shouted the rainbow song at us, Von Smith, proves that he can not shake himself of his theatrical tendencies. Simon accuses him of being indulgent but when it comes down to a vote, Von as well as Stephen and Jorge make it through.

Debra Byrd has a “come to Jesus” meeting with the contestants in regards to the importance of song choice. It’s in the Bible, you know. In spite of the coaching, we see way too many folks get sent home because of their poor choice of song.

Norman, the clownish guy from New York, is back with his ridiculous shiny shirt and shenanigans. If this were a comedy competition, I’d laugh. This guy gets on my very last nerve and will continue to do so until they send him home.

Very quick flashes because they are wasting time on ridiculous crap like the clown, we see that Scott MacIntyre and Frankie Jordan make it to the next round. Norman makes it as well. Gee, I missed the memo about hell freezing over.

Day two of Hollywood… we are serenaded by Michael Buble and “Feeling Good.”

We are reintroduced to Jackie, the husky-voiced musician who has been in the biz for years. She sounds like Amanda from last year but has the adorable clumsiness of Kat McPhee. I like her better now.

Best friends Jamar and Danny are both in the Day 2 group. We are reminded of Danny’s widowhood and Jamar’s support. They both sing well, especially Danny with the Seal song from Batman Forever. We’re delighted that each of them make it to the next round.

That stuck-up Bikini Girl is back. Ugh. I want to throw a stiletto at the TV when she disses Kara. Way to bite the hand that feeds ya, skank. Her actual name is Katrina but who cares? She sings a few bars of “Breathe” and it’s not awful, but the judges are split. Paula and Kara think that she has a ‘tude, but of course the male judges are thinking with a different body part. Since they always have to give us someone to loathe, it might as well be this gal.

Which makes the next news all the more irritating: three gals with actual TALENT are sent home - Jessica from Oz, Sharon with the little dog, and the gal who did well in Puerto Rico, Patricia.

Jeremy and Jesus are profiled next and they’re compared to each other, kind of like when you are choosing a cell phone online and can put your options side-by-side. Jeremy (or is his name Michael?) sings great and makes it through. Hey-suse, who got through on a pity vote in the first place, is annoying and nasally and is sent home.

Good-looking David sings exactly the way you expect from an Osmond. He’s already spectacular and doesn’t need this AI gig.

Heavily tattooed rocker Emily sings a No Doubt song and it’s okay. The judges are not impressed with her and were expecting more. Both she and David make it to the next round.

A blonde gal named Erika is cut but before she leaves, she has a tirade for a thousand years. This tantrum answers my earlier question about H’wood stripping dignity away from some of these kids.

Simon and Paula argue like an old married couple trying to decide on Red Lobster or Cracker Barrel for dinner. Such lameness really makes me question my sanity for enjoying this show so much.

For reasons known only to The Idiots In Charge, they’ve decided to show only blink-and-miss-it flashes of our front runners. More time for footage of crap I suppose. Thankfully, we learn that awesome Ann Marie, Adam from Wicked, Brent from Nashville Star, and cute mom Alexis all make it through.

By the end of the second day in H’wood, we are down to 104 contestants. Tomorrow night we will see what happened during the very much dreaded group performances. Didn’t they do away with this section of the program last season?

Quote of the Evening:

Dennis: “Y'all suck as judges.”

More Hollywood action tomorrow… be sure to bring ear plugs, Tylenol and Kleenex. And the other stiletto to throw at Bikini Girl.