Hollywood Week – “Forget the Words, You’re OUT”

view from the Kodak Theater

Voiceover Ryan refers to Hollywood Week as Hell Week. Guess what else is hell? A condition called vasovagal syncope. You don’t have to google; it’s just a fancy word for fainting. As in embarrassingly passing out cold while in the doctor’s office after a routine procedure. Welcome to my own personal hell week… BUT… enough about me because -

THIS. Is American Idol. Group Song Day. “I think I’ve got the vapors.”

I fast forward through the hundred years of UPCOMINGS because guess what: in just a few short minutes we will get to see the ACTUAL events. Do the constant previews of the same crap over and over help them sell more Fords and Cokes?

OF COURSE the most annoying folks will be highlighted with a bright yellow magic marker. Grating Tatiana will most definitely be the Idol contestant featured on The Soup this week because the girl is a psycho. For real.

Maddening person number next is Nathaniel. Two words: Flame Ing. After five minutes it is just annoying. Dude will need to keep that melodrama on the DL if he wants votes from the mainstream in a couple of weeks.

We’ve talked enough about Bikini Girl already. She’s been pimped enough to get the next lead on The Bachelorette. Or at least a shot at Bret Michaels’ Rock of Love.

Important commercial: This Friday is Wear Red Day according to the American Heart Association. You can save a life!

So many cat fights with not enough nip to go around. Nathaniel is having a nervous breakdown because of his group members. The red-haired black girl (Nancy Wilson, no not the one in Heart) and the two-toned blonde (Kristen) are not getting along. They are ready to beat each other to death with shovels.

Some groups are actually playing well together because they have taken the team building courses and attended the Zig Ziglar seminars. They even have all the plaques from Successories to prove their devotion to each other.

In the meantime we see scenes that could have been from the defunct soap Passions. There are some supernaturally charged moments going on with a few of these people. Someone needs to get the holy water; it’s exorcism time.

Back to Tatiana-ville. They need to do a remake of the classic Hitchcock movie and cast her as “Norma” Bates. Even one of her back-and-forth group mates says it, and to ensure we understand what she’s saying they do a closed caption. “Help me. That girl is a psycho!”

Poor pierced-face boy Nate is directing his own episode of COPS without the police officers. He’s dealing with a two-toned spoiled brat and a stone cold beyotch and finally flips his headbanded wig.

Meanwhile, it seems Katrina is MIA and her team mates are at wit’s end. They call themselves The Divas which is totally appropriate. They are so much better off without her and the drama she is packing.

Now it’s morning and finally! We might actually hear some singing. What a concept. I see one of my early favorites, Stevie Wright being interviewed at breakfast. Pierced-Face Boy is this year’s Syesha with his dramatic cue cards for the camera.

I so sincerely want Rose to get some shoes because she’s just nasty. Even the band leader is getting annoyed at these kids. I think it might be the most disjointed 104 people we have seen make it to Hollywood.

Bikini Girl does not show up for roll call and that tardy is going on her permanent record. When she finally does come slinking in, her team mates are highly pee oh’d.

Simon gives a pep talk, if one’s idea of that is kicking puppies while punching babies in the face. Everyone is more nervous than ever now as they want them to be.

The first group number is “I Want You Back” and it’s surprisingly good. There is scatting and rapping and a good rapport between the singers. Excellent enough to rewind and rewatch as a matter of fact. All of its members deservedly make it through – India, Justin, Kris and Matt.

The next group try to “Get Ready” but it’s a mess of tangled limbs and mangled lyrics. For absolutely NO apparent reason at all, Norman the Clown, the biggest season 8 pain so far makes the cut. Puerto Rican Jorge (that’s Horhay not George, KARA) makes it also. Beauty queen Julissa is out.

I love Fleetwood Mac, even through the hard times when they allowed their song “Don’t Stop” to be pimped out to politicians. It hurts my head to see two of our favorites help tear this song apart. Rocker Emily, My Kid’s favorite nerd Alex, and my fave gal Ann Marie are in this group. Alex and Ann Marie make it to the next round somehow.

The tattooed gal flubs her words and as Simon says, she’s outta there. Emily is the one who ditched her all-girl rock band to go to Hollywood. Oops.

A fedora’d guy named Ryan informs us that he’s seen the evil side of Paula. Where ya been man? They show Paula with red glowing eyes and My Kid says “I think they Photo Shopped that.” Or could she be the next demon that the Winchester brothers hunt down on Supernatural?

Simon is Mr. Cranky Panties in a Wad. He acts like Ryan Lavery’s thong has crawled up his butt. He did not fall off the turnip truck yesterday; this is the eighth season after all. He knows (as do we all) what a hot holy mess Hollywood Week will be. And what a scatter-brain Paula can be, so why argue with her?

Best Friends Forever Danny and Jamar (heart sigh) are in the same group and of course they are awesome. Their group does “Somebody to Love” and Danny holds his own with a Freddie solo. The buds as well as tall Taylor and some redshirt make it through.

Jeremy (or does he go by Michael?), Adam from Wicked, Matt the welder, and a cute gal named Jesse sing “Some Kind of Wonderful.” They are in two different groups but spliced together as if they’re one. It’s good on the level of the well-loved 80s movie with the same name. We have to rewind this one twice because it is just that terrific. They make it through because sometimes this show flows right. My Kid is loving her some Adam Lambert right now.

I feel excited to be a fan again. Wow. Yay.

But then...the Divas are a mockery of everything American Idol stands for and then some. Only Jasmine, who shines like a superstar already brings anything to the Kodak Theater stage. They massacre the cool song “Mercy” and it’s sad. My dogs are crying. Thank goodness Jasmine makes it through despite the terribleness of her group mates. Pitiful Rose, Bikini Girl (who is now known as Scoliosis Girl) and some random chick we don’t know get the axe.

A few of the singers that I liked have been voted off the island: gorgeous David Osmond, high school prez Austin, and cool smoky-voiced Deanna Brown. The Group Song tribe has spoken.

Out of the 104 people who divided into groups of four, five maximum means that the judges saw around 20 something groups on this day. We only get to see the Baby Mama Drama Obama Llama Ding-Dong-Dama ones though. Where’s blind Scott? Nerd from UNC? Little Alexis? Mandy Moore clone? Joanna Carly 2.0? Grandparent Girl? Nashville Star guy? Natty Lenesha? Horror Movie Cody?

Oh well. What we get instead is more Tatiana, who is Brenna, Mikalah, Antonella and all other previous AI divas rolled into one, shaken but not stirred. The good(ish) news is that she has a decent singing voice, it’s just that everything else about her is awful. She proves this when her group makes it through to the next round by auditioning for the next telenovela.

The next group we see is called Compromise and what an appropriate name for them. Gay Nate, Two-Toned Kristen, and Nancy (not of Heart) Wilson mangle the Duffy song right to a pathetic death. Somewhere an angel’s wings fell off. For some reason the judges think that Nathaniel and Kristen were fabulous but they let the dyed red head leave. She is NOT taking this well and there are bleep-bleeps galore. Way to burn bridges girlfrien’.

Also cut during hell week in a do-not-blink montage: Frankie Jordan (I think), dancing nekkid girl, a stubborn chick who looks like Amy Lee, and the unknown smooching couple.

Quick flashes of others who do advance... as My Kid shouts “KOOKS! They are playing The Kooks on American Idol!” ... Casey with a hat, blind Scott, tatted mom Megan, A&M Joanna, teen Arianna, that spastic rock chick Jackie, Junot from last year, and caretaker Kai.

Only 75 contestants remain but this year’s magic number is 36. There are a few spoiler web sites out there in cyberspace that reveal the 36 names. I won’t link to it here because I don’t want to know this intel yet. It’s annoying, like the UPCOMINGS. It’s like opening Christmas presents and then putting them back under the tree wrapped again.

Next week we’ll find out if our favorites made it to the winning room. We are getting to know and like: Wicked’s Adam, nerd Alex, pretty Ann Marie, UNC’s Anoop, widower Danny, teenager Jasmine, and the fabulous Lil Rounds.

We should expect the unexpected next week with the promotion of this year’s Sanjaya Times Two, Tatiana and Norman. They get on my last ever begotten nerve, I swear. Which means the thorns in my side will remain just to piss me off.

Tonight’s Quotes:

Ryan (about the group White Chocolate): “All of the contestants are cheering now but on the inside they’re saying ‘Damn, I wish we were that good.’”

Simon: “Has anyone got any Advil? We’re going to need a crate.”

Simon: “Forget this PC rubbish. Name names.”

Kara (after Katrina is canned): “She must be ready for her close-up.”

My Kid: “No wonder they named a hurricane after that girl.”

Tune in next week to Aunt Pearl’s place and we’ll vent again. Hot diggity!