The Joke(r) is Over – the Wild Cards are Aces

There is an old saying: “You can’t fight city hall.” Well, we have learned from American Idol, this season especially, that you also can not fight The Idiots In Charge.

Since we might as well face the fact that there is a possibility of Tatiana Del Drama staying with the show for the unforeseeable future, we’d better figure out a way to tolerate her. So I’ve decided to make a list of Tatiana’s admirable qualities:

1.

I think we might be in trouble.

Here at Aunt Pearl’s house we gather around the TV expecting the worst. I realize that there are much more important things going on in the world today – creepy famewhorish Octomom, that Dumbo swimmer’s bong scandal, A-Rod’s way more ignorant cousin, the First Lady’s right to “bare arms,” stupid bailouts of filthy stinking rich people, poor Rihanna’s face, and this season of Heroes which sucks beyond the telling of it. This is just to name a few. Oh yeah, and the stock market and whatnot.

However, everyone needs something in their lives that brings them joy, that brightens their mediocre days a little bit. Everybody deserves a hobby even if it’s just watching a TV show and blogging about it.

A few years ago I read an incredible book called “If Satan Can’t Steal Your Joy.” American Idol, please don’t be Satan.

Whew. Glad to get all that off my chest.

So tonight Ryan is dressed like a guy leaving a bar when he’s had one too many – no tie, shirt all askew. All of us need a drink to prepare for the onslaught ahead. Randy looks like a crossing guard and bright pink Paula cheers for herself because cheerleading is a SPORT, dagnabbit!

First up is bluesy red-head Jesse Langseth who looks lovely in a black cocktail dress. Too bad she decided to throw grandma’s shrug over it on her way out the door. And out the door she will be; she is not doing too well on “Tell Me Something Good.” This is no longer a real song but a TV commercial ditty. If Jesse would just shut up and SING without all the vamping and posing she might do better. The judges say almost that exact same thing except you know, ruder. Jesse’s given it her best “Sasha Fierce” swagger but it was not good enough for a coveted top 12 spot. She thanks Simon for calling her “self-indulgent.”

The old Jackson 5 ballad “Who’s Loving You” is given the Matt Giraud treatment. Hopefully this will banish the echoes of his last performance. Obviously these kids are styling themselves because Matt is mixing genres with a gangster hat and western scarf. One or the other dude; both of them together is all kinds of wrong. Vocally Matt redeems himself on this soulful performance although he gets a bit tourettes-like toward the end. All of the judges are thrilled to have this Matt back, by a billion times. Thank goodness Simon calls him on the outfit, but he also plays the Taylor Hicks card like it’s a bad thing. Matt will be hard to beat.

Megan Corkery has flattened her long blonde hair again and looks like a school girl on the way to ballet class. She has a very pretty face, but her rendition of “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree” is not nearly as good as K.T.’s or even Kat McPhee’s. Sorry token pretty blonde. Her low notes are too low and when she tries to go high it’s a hot mess. Sure she gets points for being “quirky” and of course the judges love her all over the place. They keep saying that it’s okay that she’s not the best singer, but we need this year’s Kristy Lee Cook and that other blonde could sing better so she didn’t fit in. Got that saga? Good. Megan Joy is a shoo-in for the wrong reasons.

Poor Von Smith is scared right to a kewpie-haired death tonight. He has the deer-in-headlight look and we can all read his mind – “Do not scream at the audience. I am not Billy Mays and am not selling OxiClean.” Unfortunately, his rendition of “Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word” is putting babies to sleep until he ramps it up a notch. Von should forget everything that he’s been told and just crank it! We all know how wonky the judges are with their in the box/ out of the box jive. They do call Von on being boring and dark; Paula gets technical about essence and whatnot. Sorry, Von. Good-bye is probably the real hardest word.

Jasmine Murray is a lovely young lady and looks extra “commercial” tonight. (Lordy, I am learning to loathe that word.) My Kid proclaims that she KNEW Jasmine was the next Disney star, as the teenage singer delivers a proper “Reflection” from Mulan. This song has been done better on Idol, but we’ll take Jasmine over these other gals anytime. Her very arched eyebrow is distracting and makes her look like she has a question for the judges. They tell her that she was pretty darn good. And commercial. But darn it she can actually sing and that was not part of the bargain! Then poor Jasmine has to endure Judge Smackdown 2009. This show, man.

Someone needs to buy Ricky Braddy some clothes. The pants and vest he’s wearing must have been in his closet since he was 12. His outfit is so distracting that we barely take notice that he’s singing “Superstition,” a song that Bucky rocked a few years ago. (Add a hat and scarf and he’s Matt Giraud. It would be hard to figure out who was who in a line-up.) Ricky lets loose with one high note like the tax man shot by Cupid’s arrow in the hilarious H&R Block commercial. Paula and Kara are still Ricky fans but the guy judges are not digging him tonight. Randy even plays Simon’s “self-indulgent” card.

Lordy oh mighty everybody. Tatiana Del Torro is OFF the meds! She is back in meltdown mode! So we all want to know – why is she singing “Saving All My Love For You” again?? This is the 3rd time, counting Hollywood Week. Is she like a parrot or a wind up toy? A robot? One of the “dolls” from Joss Whedon’s Dollhouse? That would actually explain A LOT. As we already know, the gal has a decent voice but it does not make up for the psychosis. She will not STHU and let the judges talk. Del Torro even steals poor Jorge’s line about not being able to think in English – so now we can add “thief” to her list of crimes against American Idol.

Anoop Desai Dog, please take us away from all this… we beg you. During Hollywood Week, we saw a brief snippet of Anoop grooving to Bobby Brown’s “My Prerogative.” He gives us more of that tonight. Although the back-up singers do most of the heavy-lifting on this song, at least Desai is BACK! Finally there is some excitement going on up in the house; Paula is on her feet, y’all. The judges like “nasty” jamming Anoop better than ballad Anoop and we concur. Although they do mention that the song is a repeat, they’re mostly okay with it. Anoop “Brown” makes everyone smile. Then he gives a shout-out to Chapel Hill and Eve Carson’s memory and it makes me cry.

Our eight Wild Cards have given their best and now it’s time to announce the judges’ decisions.

First up are lovely teenage Jasmine and her Eyebrow. We will be seeing her reflection in the Top 12. Yay for Jasmine!! She gets a hug from Allison, the other teenage girl left standing.

Next is Ricky who is still wearing the clothes he had in 5th grade. We had high hopes for Ricky, as he is a NC boy also. His music is all over the internet, but it will no longer be on the show. The writing is on the wall – he is not making it through.

Up next is Megan and Tatiana. Paula dons her Mom Hat to tell both girls that they need to continue their dreams and whatnot. When Megan (woo-hoo woo-hoo) finds out that she and her gross tattoo will be going to the silver stool, she has to hold tight to Del Torro and talk her down from the ledge. This is too freaking ridiculous. The producers and judges, and yes viewers and bloggers (guilty!) have helped create this monster that we see before us now. I blame all of us for paying attention. Tatiana is like a spoiled toddler who is used to getting a cookie every time she goes to the grocery store with Mommy. Soon she’ll be saving all her love for a bad reality show on the E! Channel.

Next is Jesse and although she is just as good a singer as Megan (and according to My Hubby, she is “fine”) she is out of the competition. They can’t tell her something good after all. Simon rubs it in by telling her she ALMOST made it – which is judge talk for: Megan is a marketable blonde and you are not. Maybe Jesse can sing back up for her brother Jonny Lang. As Paula says, your singing career is not over just because your stint on the show is over.

We quickly learn that Von is not making it through either. Although it’s sad (so sad), this one was not a surprise. As it does sometimes, the show has sucked the soul out of him and left us with this empty shell. Von would be good at Broadway or a Brady Bunch remake.

It all comes down to these two … Matt with his ridiculous hat/scarf combo and Anoop who is just cool in every possible way. Which one will it be?

DVRs are cutting out everywhere… seriously. There are going to be some mad folks when they get ready to watch this show after My Name is Earl.

Anyways, Simon tells Matt that they are loving you (but not your weird attire) and that he is the one who made it through. Before My Kid and Hubby and I can even finish shouting at the TV, Simon quickly adds that it was their prerogative to make this year a Top 13.

YAY! Wait. Does this mean Anoop is in? Is he the 13th? My Kid affectionately says to me, “Mom, this is why you are my very favorite slow person.” So yes, Anoop is 13! Not that awful skinny bi doctor on House! But Anoop! The universe is set back to right.

I don’t remember ever seeing a Baker’s Dozen on the show before. What a joyous thing for Anoop and his fans that he made it; the look on his face is priceless.

Now that the Del Torro drama is done, we can all get back to more practical issues to fret over, like the economy and stuff. (We’ve always enjoyed life in the lower-middle range so it’s status quo for us.)

Tonight’s Quotes:

Ryan: “Simon, be quiet. THIS is the Wild Card show and THIS. Is American Idol.”

Ryan (to Tatiana on her knees): “You don’t have to get up for me; you can stay down there – no I mean…”

Simon: “We have like a ‘cat’s chorus’ over here, don’t we?”

Anoop: “Kara, if I can make a Duke girl like you dance for a Carolina guy like me…”
Kara: “Hee haw!”

Next week we’ll get to the “meat” of the competition with the first-ever Top 13. Just as a reminder, they are: Alexis, Michael, Danny, Allison, Kris, Adam, Lil, Scott, Jorge, Jasmine, Megan, Matt, and Anoop. Can’t wait!