The Top 13 Don’t Stop ‘Til They Get Enough

So for this evening’s episode, there is good news and bad news. The good news is that the phone number scandal for the 13th contestant has been resolved. As reported all over the internet, news, radio, newspaper, outer space, etc. the number that would have been the voting line for Idol is actually a phone sex line. So let’s not use that one. Glad they got all that squared away.

The bad news is that tonight’s theme is “the music of Michael Jackson.” Ergh. There should be a disclaimer from the judges saying: “Remember all those hundreds of times that we said Do Not Attempt the King of Pop? Well, forget all that just for tonight. Next week we will start saying it all over again.”

My Kid’s generation knows Michael Jackson as King of Weird, but back in the day he used to be a singer. I am going to try to focus on the MJ of yesteryear, when he was a talented, black, innovative performer instead of this current misfit. Seeing what he has done to his Cowardly Lion-looking face is just sad. Not to mention all the other stuff.

It’s show time! For some reason, the four judges and debonair Ryan are all introduced by Disembodied Voiceover Guy. You’d think that they were the stars of the show or something. Hopefully they won’t do that again, because they played musical chairs at the judges’ table. That gigantic stage sure is high-tech and mind-boggling though. We are ready for take-off.

What is up with the lady judges’ attire tonight? Paula looks like she ran into a pigeon on the way to the theater, and Kara’s neck has been tied up with an incredibly large bow.

Ryan polls all of them for their advice and we get the usual clichés. Kara promises that “they” will put the right singers on the radio. (I am sure that by “they” she means “voters.”) Barely Coherent Paula mentions the stage eating you alive (or something) and then gets mad when Simon explains it in human terms we can understand. Geez, there’s more “witty banter” on this show than a slew of Nora Roberts novels.

Next is the introduction of our 13 contestants, and it looks like Lil Rounds drew the short straw and Alexis Grace has the pimp spot.

More news from the file marked “duh” – tomorrow night two of the 13 will be sent home. Although Simon says it’s to “put more pressure on everyone,” we all know that it’s show-speak for “we have a schedule to adhere to, so accommodations must be made.”

Michael Jackson Night. Gawsh. I have never been a big fan of the Gloved One, even in the days when he was wildly popular. The closest I have come to liking him was when Jenna Rink did the “Thriller” dance in 13 Going on 30.

Here’s hoping that nobody grabs their crotch tonight.

Up first is Memphis darling Lil Rounds, my favorite season 8 gal. Her pre-song video reminds us about the tornado, her cute hubby, and adorable three kids. And that Lil’s artfully arranged sweeping bangs are probably not real. No matter because everything else about Lil is genuine enough. She takes “The Way You Make Me Feel” and makes it entirely her own. We forget it was ever done by Bubbles’ dad. Unfortunately, she is not looking her best in parachute pants and the top half of a prom dress. Randy says that MJ sang the whatever out of that song and agrees with the others that Lil made it her own and gave a solid performance. We want a Lil Rounds CD today but will settle for an iTunes single for now. Simon disses the outfit and calls her a bit “lazy.” So hitting every note perfectly is lazy these days?

We find out that Scott has a sister who is also visually impaired. The Scottsdale MacIntyres are an endearing family that’s been through a lot of trials. Scott plays piano tonight while singing a song I’ve not heard called “Keep the Faith.” It’s the perfect choice for him, a message song and he does well with it. My Kid and Hubby are not overwhelmed with Scott’s singing and feel that he’s made it thus far on pity. I disagree and think he is a talented singer. The judges agree with me for the most part – they think that Scott’s rendition was just fine. Evidently the songwriter is in the audience but Paula is the only one who really cares. Simon surely doesn’t. Maybe Norway does? Randy calls it correctly by telling curly-top Scott that we need to see “more sparks” from him.

There is no mention of Sophia during Danny’s pre-performance tape, just his family in Milwaukee talking about him “singing” his homework. His sense of humor gets to shine through this time. Danny looks dapper tonight, with matching burgundy shirt and glasses. I like that fashion sense and we can all do that thanks to Zenni Optical. It seems odd that a church music director would sing “PYT” which stands for “Pretty Young Thing,” but he gives a believable performance. He has exactly the kind of voice that I like – gruff, grunge, growly. All of the judges enjoy his singing but they are not impressed with his dancing very much. Danny says that they don’t do a lot of dancing at his church. Good for Gokey for not being afraid to say the word “church” on American Idol!!

For the one hundredth time we are told that Michael works as a roughneck on an oil rig in Jasper, TX. It is nice to see his friends and co-workers show support to him, as well as his lovely family. Although he’s not my favorite singer this year, Sarver is an extremely nice guy and I like him a lot. He sings a song that I don’t remember called “You Are Not Alone,” and it’s kinda drowsy but good. Michael has a nice voice but there is not really a “wow” factor there. My Kid thinks that he looks like Brody on One Life to Live, and he kinda does. All of the judges like Mike and they want him to do well in the competition. Simon tells him that his “passion and heart” make up for the lack of extreme vocal talent.

Ryan and Jasmine awkwardly talk about fashion for a bit. “Jazz” and all of the Murray family of Mississippi have been blessed with great genes. Her video looks like an America’s Next Top Model reunion. Tonight the pretty teenager sings “I’ll Be There,” tagged by the current generation as a Mariah Carey song. Jasmine does a fine job although she goes really sharp when she tries to reach for the high notes. She would be perfect in the High School Musical genre or a guest spot on Hannah Montana. Randy name drops Ms. Carey and likes the way Jasmine blended Mariah and Michael together. Paula isn’t as crazy about Jasmine’s vocal, which is a surprise from Mama Bear. Simon plays the “robotic” card, which should so totally be retired after Carrie won season 4.

We visit Kris and his gorgeous young blonde wife of only five months in Conway, Arkansas. Their matching aprons are as cute as they are. This is not his first MJ rodeo – Kris already did a Michael song during group two week. He gets to play acoustic guitar on a tune called “Remember the Time,” and he rocks both the song and the plaid shirt. It’s not a perfect vocal but it’s good. Paula says that Kris is “adorable sexy” and My Kid concurs, but being a newlywed depletes his “hotness” factor. Simon agrees with that and even says that Kris shouldn’t have mentioned being married, at least not yet. Cut to Mrs. Allen in the audience looking very sad. Awww. Mean Simon! I still think Kris looks like an older Archuleta and Randy compares him to Jason Mraz.

The incredibly talented Allison is up next and she is as different from this year’s other teenage girl (Jasmine) as night is to day. She is “adorkable” in the video with her supportive family, especially at the El Salvadorian department store. My Kid loves everything about Allison’s style – the hair, the outfit, and most of all her voice. This young girl can SING y’all. There is no evidence of Michael Jackson on the song “Give In to Me” – it is all Allison tonight. Kara and Paula accurately note that Miss Iraheta looks like a rock star tonight. The others agree that we need a “rocker girl” in the competition this year and that she fits the bill. Hopefully she will go further than past rock chicks, Gina and Amanda. The highly unpolished Allison makes funny silly faces and we just love her.

Chapel Hill’s delightful Anoop and his equally loveable parents are featured next. He is such a good representative for our home state. (My Kid says that she wants to go to White Castle with him, but there aren’t any in NC.) Unfortunately, tonight he does “Beat It” and it’s just not that great of a performance from Anoop Dog. It’s not really his fault, but this song has been played and parodied to death for too many decades now. Anoop gives it his best shot and has a great haircut and Members Only jacket, but it’s not good enough. It’s way too karaoke. The judges are sad to tell him that some songs are “untouchable” (read: campy) and just should not be attempted. Simon calls him all sorts of awful things and pretty much says that bringing him in as “13” was a bad idea in hindsight. Ouch.

On the bright side, Ryan’s mom and grandma are in the audience tonight. If he’s a good boy they will give him a cookie later. He has to stop teasing Granny about Randy though, because that is not nice.

Next we see Jorge in Puerto Rico with his very large family. I like the way the videos have focused on families tonight, especially since they are all so likable. Tonight Jorge is doing “Never Can Say Goodbye” and he is getting better and better. His voice is smooth like silk, very different from what I usually like, but he’s good in his own way. Not sure why, but the judges are not digging the Nunez tonight. They have “mad love” but call him “old-fashioned,” and play the “pitchy” and “disconnected” cards. I did not see that at all, but whatevs. A very uncomfortable moment ensues when Paula attempts a conversation with Jorge regarding song choice, and he tries to explain about the very limited Idol catalog. They can’t handle the truth. Ryan, cue the music.

We get to see various photos of Utah’s Megan looking beautiful in different hair colors and styles. Her mom is equally gorgeous, as well as her little boy Ryder. Not sure why they want to go all Dr. Phil on us by dredging up Megan’s divorce. Tonight she looks stunning in red, singing “Rockin’ Robin.” I want to like this girl because she has been Chosen by the judges as this year’s token Pretty Girl. Although her voice is unique, there is nothing special about her performance. (She sure helps us forgive Kristy Lee Cook for “Eight Days a Week” last year.) The judges can’t be too hard on Megan – after all, she is an amateur and Idol is her very first public outing. Simon blames her “stupid song choice” but not her. Even the mean guy from Hell’s Kitchen thinks she’s hot, so there ya go.

The Lamberts are like the Cooks in the way that they support their son’s musical career. It’s implied that they pick up Adam’s Hollywood tab sometimes but that’s okay – the investment in their talented offspring will pay off. My Kid is over the moon for the theatrical singer, and she does not care about the yucky pictures of him on the internet. Adam sings “Black or White” tonight, a song that brings back memories of morphing faces and the little Home Alone boy. No one will be “kicking dirt” in Adam’s eyes for this performance – the guy is an amazing singer. Somehow he turns an MJ song into an alternative rock hit. All of the judges are impressed as they should be, though somewhat overly. Adam is in a totally different league because he’s already in show business.

Kalamazoo’s Mr. Giraud is probably the sweetest father since Mr. McPhee in season five. Matt seems like a sweet guy too, but he is just not that memorable for me. Tonight he sings “Human Nature” while playing the piano. It’s an okay interpretation but his Jackson 5 song last week during Wild Card was better. Some of his notes are all over the place and hurt my doggie’s ears. My Kid says that Matt reminds her of Justin Timberlake, but I beg to differ. Justin’s less attractive second cousin maybe, but not Timberlake himself. Then Randy plays the Justin card and My Kid is all “See! I was right!” (Kids – believing Randy!) We are running out of time so the judge critiques are very short but all positive for Matt. Even Simon only says it was “nice” and “solid.” It must sound different in the theater than it does at home.

The last singer this evening is sassy charmer Alexis who comes from a musical Memphis family. Any chance to see her sweet little girl say “Seacrest Out” is a good thing. When she takes the stage tonight, My Hubby says “Wow,” which is man-speak for “She is wearing a very skanky outfit and I like it.” Alexis closes MJ Night in a very good way with “Dirty Diana” – the gal has everything she needs to be a superstar right this minute. Her voice is practically perfect with just enough edge to it to be unforgettable. She has charisma galore and owns the stage. For some reason the fickle judges downplay how wonderful she was. Alexis did not over-sing, PAULA, you are just on meds! And Simon’s quip about her not being “as good as you think you are” was an insult. Yay Alexis, boo judges.

Once again, DVR’s have already cut out. Thank goodness for the “options” feature to record five minutes over. Ryan and Simon get our curiosity up by saying that there are going to be some changes in the “system” starting tomorrow night. They are not sure we’re gonna like it. Hmmm. Uh oh.

Quick review of the long long night… Lil and Danny seemed to be forever ago, huh? They were awesome. Allison, Adam and Alexis rocked out, too.

Tonight’s Quotes:

Simon: “Give me 5 minutes with Lil, and I’ll sort you out.”
My Kid: “That was kinda creepy weird of Simon to say… oh yeah, it’s Michael Jackson night.”

Simon: “It’s fine being artistic, just not on this show.”

Simon (sarcastically): “Just wish we knew what you did for a living.”
Michael (cheerfully): “Hopefully this.”

Paula (about Simon): “He’s trying to undress me!”

Randy (disputing Simon about Kris): “I love the wife, I love the guitar.”

Allison: “I’m not dark. I’m not, like, cutting myself.”

Jorge: “I wasn’t going to sing ‘Bad’ by Michael Jackson.”
Simon: “Well, you sort of did.”

Kara (about Alexis): “You’re a naughty girl, and I like it!”

Oh yeah, and don’t forget that Alexis has the 36 phone number not 13. The pimp spot of going last is really more of a curse tonight. Why does it seem like they are trying to get rid of the awesome Alexis?? And Lil going first tonight is strange also. Either The Idiots In Charge think that she’s safe or it’s a conspiracy. Or I am crazy. Whichever.

As Randy said at the beginning of the show, it’s “anyone’s game” at this point. That is judge-speak for “anybody can go home except Adam Lambert.”

The worst singer was “caw caw” Megan but the judges are determined to keep her around no matter how awful she sounds. Sadly Anoop did not do well tonight, but hopefully he will get a chance to redeem himself.

P.S. What was up with Simon and Paula’s “will you stop touching me” moments tonight? If those two crazy kids don’t straighten up we’ll have to turn the car around and they’ll be no ice cream for anybody!

P.S. S. Also, new drinking game – every time Kara says “ridiculous,” take a drink. By the end of the show, we’ll be “sick.”